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A SCIENTIFIC SOLUTION FOR THE BIG 12

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THIS CAN WORK AND IT’S NOT TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL

NCAA Football: Big 12 Media Day Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Sit down, because we’re about to sever every thread that tethers your mind to reality. You ready? You sure? Ok.

Bob Bowlsby says the Big 12 is looking to expand.

I KNOW IT’S CRAZY WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT LET’S WRITE ABOUT THIS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS

And yeah, BYU, Houston, UConn blah blah blah blah blah. Nothing against any of the schools lining up for an interview, but if the Big 12 wants to avoid becoming a slowly decaying relic, it needs to do something big. Something different. Something scientifically questionable.

Let me start by noting there is neither a federal law nor an Oklahoma statue prohibiting human cloning. (It’s not allowed in Canada, but go check how many Cotton Bowls the Toronto Argonauts have won. You’ll see that’s actually an argument in favor of this proposal.) Let me then point out a savvy businessman like T. Boone Pickens understands the value of diversifying your investment portfolio.

But there’s currently no way to do that in college football without being disloyal. So, twenty years since a bunch of Scots cloned Dolly the Sheep, it’s time for that technology to save the Big 12. We’re gonna clone Oklahoma State.

Imagine it! In a world with more than one Cowboys team, Mike Gundy can go 7-5, but nobody in Stillwater’s mad because Oklahoma 2tate won 11 games under Jeff Brohm! And it only gets bigger from there. We can create an entirely restructured Big 12 that looks like this:

NORTH DIVISION

Baylor
Iowa State
Kansas State
Oklahoma
TCU
Texas
Texas Tech
West Virginia

SOUTH DIVISION

Oklahoma State
Oklahoma 2tate
Oklahoma Stat3
Okla4oma State
Oklahoma 5tate
6klahoma State
Kansas
Ok7ahoma State


Perfect, right? No. Stability’s the most fleeting thing in this sport, and it’s likely that at some point, Oklahoma 5tate gets pissed over some perceived slight and joins the Big Ten. When they do, we have a plan: Oklahoma 8tate, the clone we hid in the Sun Belt for just such a contingency.