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SPORTS BRAINS ARE NOT FOR POLITICS

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NOR SHOULD THEY BE, PAUL RYAN

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Rooting for a sports team is one of the most nonsensical things you can do in your life. You invest hours and money in that team and then simultaneously undermine that investment by setting unreasonably high expectations, then blame everyone else when things don't go as you hoped. If you applied the logic of sports fandom to any other aspect of your life, man, you'd be so very and thoroughly fucked.

Oh, Paul, you L.L. Bean-handsome moron. The fact that you don't know how wrong this is makes me a little worried about you; you may as well have flown into Seoul and said "it's the Korea part that matters, not the North, right?" But the bigger problem is you're hoping people use their sports brains in a national election, which, no. No no no.

I get where you were going with this. From a dispassionate point of view, Texas winning a national title over, say, some Pac-12 team, is probably better for the state than a Longhorn loss. You probably see some economic benefits, you get to crow about being the place where real football is played. Hell, most coaches can probably spin it as a motivational tactic. "IF THOSE SOFT-ASSES IN AUSTIN CAN WIN ONE TITLE, WHAT'S STOPPIN' US FROM WINNIN' THREE??"

But Paul, there is nothing dispassionate about rooting for a college football team. If Texas's house catches fire, next-door neighbor Texas A&M will be out in the street cheering because that smug son of a bitch had this coming ever since he added that fucking veranda it's a porch and now it's going up in flames gig em have fun sleeping in your conversion van I don't give a shit what this does to my property values. Texas A&M would refuse to get a vaccine simply because it increases the likelihood that Texas winds up sick. Wait, doesn't this mean A&M is more likely to contract a serious illness and die? Yes, but great sacrifice is needed for noble goals like these.

Let's keep it in your neck of the woods, Paul: find me 1,000 Michigan fans who were pulling for Ohio State against Oregon. I'm not talking about Wolverines who rationalized a Buckeye title after the fact. Show me the ones who turned on the television that night hoping to see good things happen to and for Ohio State. I don't think you can do it.

Shit, Paul, you didn't even stay in the same conference in your example! Sure, the idea of an Auburn fan rooting for Bama in a national championship because it brings the crown back to the SEC is stupid, but at least it's something!

Maybe you could have gotten there, Paul. Maybe you could have compared the voters to USC fans forced to watch a UCLA-Notre Dame championship. (Please stop laughing in UCLA's direction. It's just a hypothetical.) They're not happy with either outcome, but given that meteors never actually show up when you want them to, well, let's try to figure out the lesser of two evils.

Paul, here's where you fucked up: you thought you could use college football to foster unity. To that, I have only this to say: