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PLEASE WELCOME WAVE CHAPPELLE

THAT IS HIS NAME NOW, ACCEPT IT

By Ryan Nanni

We don't talk about Tulane Football much these days, in part because they've only made one bowl game in the past 13 years and in part because their most celebrated football alums include J.P. Losman, Bubby Brister, and Patrick Ramsey. (They also have Matt Forte; that isn't important, stop bothering me.)

But now there is a new name to associate with Tulane.

This is Wave Chappelle. I just named him that, and that is his name now. Wave Chappelle is pissed off at you for reasons neither of you can remember. It might be that you owe him money, or that you didn't send him a thank you note for that graduation gift. It's entirely possible Wave Chappelle has you confused with somebody else entirely; if you try to tell him that, he's going to insist that you're a good for nothing motherfucker who's trying to dodge doing what's right. Wave Chappelle has represented himself in court eleven times, and nine of those times he's won. The other two were bullshit and that judge shouldn't be such a fucking baby about bringing a sword in his courtroom. WAVE CHAPPELLE EARNED THE RIGHT TO CARRY IT WHEN HE VOLUNTEERED IN THE LOUISIANA-ATLANTIS WAR, A WAR FOR WHICH THE GOVERNMENT STILL REFUSES TO GIVE HIM BENEFITS.

Oh, and don't you dare say something negative about Drew Brees in front of Wave Chappelle. He'll drop you, even if it's in the middle of a church service. (Especially if it's in the middle of a church service; Wave can't have you smack talking Breesus in his own home.)

P.S. Wave Chappelle is not related to Dave Chappelle, but he has allowed local restauranteurs to assume there's a connection if it means free appetizers.

P.P.S. Wave Chappelle is also not related to the rapper of the same name, who I definitely knew about because I am young and cool.