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GAME OF THRONES RECAP: THE BROKEN MAN

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WE DIDN'T AND HAVEN'T EVER WATCHED THE SHOW. HERE'S A RECAP ANYWAY.

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD

- We assumed Glaffyn Stark was traveling to the Sulfuric Forests to seek the help of one of the healing dryads (as he does in Chapter 8 of A Grumble of Dirt and Glass), but this is the third episode we've just seen him eating lunch there. How many BLTs could he possibly have packed in his saddlebags?

- For a show that spends so much time, care, and money producing high-quality effects, it was surprising to see how unconvincing Cedric Ruggedskin looked in his first appearance. They just glued a bunch of Legos to Colin Hanks!

- The nude scenes with Horace the Eunuch are starting to feel gratuitous. This week, he was just brushing his teeth with no pants on.

- You'd think characters would steer clear of the Wheel of Immolating Anal-piercing Fire by now. But it just keeps happening.

- Out of context, Sansa calling Littlefinger "a mark-ass thimbleful of weaselshitbitchness" might seem anachronistic or awkward. But given the tension of the scene? I thought it worked. Great delivery by great actors.

- The Brotherhood of the Blind Falcon showed up again in Oppen Yamnick's dream, though this time they just mocked him repeatedly for having a shitty haircut. They're not wrong...but is this foreshadowing for Yamnick's possible death at the hands of our favorite swordsman/barber, Groel of Supercuts?

--Did we really need Egorn the Lesser's scene with the oryx, where he kept offering it a slim can of La Croix Curate Cherry Lime sparkling water? Did he need to flash it label forward to the camera, while muttering "The thirst that slakes, the taste that makes"? Did he have to clumsily drop more slim cans of La Croix Curate Cherry Lime behind him from his robes as he walked on the rocks of Budlightford Heights? Did the goat need to speak in a human voice, and then say "aye, the taste!"? Why did the goat have a Welsh accent? Why after six seasons is there a town on the map in Westeros we have never heard from? Why is its motto "Up for Whatever?" What is this show doing here?

- We think the chalice King Wergathor used to bludgeon his latest manservant (that's 17 manservants in a row killed by the King, if you've lost count) was the same one Gerald the Lateborn poured a vial of venomous toadsblood in before The Hex Wrench's battle with...Wergathor! This show has so many layers.

- What was Todd doing in this episode? Jesus, Todd. Get the fuck out of this episode, Todd. You really did it this time. First you welch on your half of the rent for the second month in a row. Then you never, ever clean the microwave. Then you appear for no reason eighteen minutes into my favorite show just sitting there with that stupid look on your face and wearing a wallet chain. I fucking hate you, Todd. I hate you so much.

- The Bill Simmons cameo was unnecessary cross-promotion by HBO, and "This is paying for me!" was a low point in character dialogue. The show bailed itself out with a spectacular death scene, however.  (Drowning in money: who knew it could look and sound so horrifying, except anyone who's ever watched this show?)

- Not really sure why Lord Varnosh was shocked by what the Ancient Empresses asked of him before they'd offer their support. There are like five dang statues of a man tongue-kissing a horse outside their temple.

- How many cups did Tyrion use in that cup-stacking scene? It was crazy. Tyrion can stack cups SO FAST. He says he knows things and drinks, but I think we've underestimated him. He's a guy who knows things, sure. His cunning has kept him alive. His wit has entertained us. But what I respect about this show so much is how they waited until the sixth season to reveal another layer of Tyrion's character: that he can stack cups like a fucking machine that stacks cups.

Amazing writing from a show that just continues to surprise.

- You saw it coming, but it was still absolutely heartbreaking when Ramsay killed all those puppies and used their bodies to spell out "I AM A SOCIOPATH AND WILL PROBABLY DO EVEN WORSE STUFF NEXT EPISODE."