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THE BULLDOG FORECAST

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THE DEFINITIVE GEORGIA BULLDOGS SEASON PREVIEW, BROUGHT TO YOU BY AN OVERZEALOUS LOCAL WEATHERMAN

ANCHOR: ... have not yet established a motive, and authorities say that it may be weeks before all of the chickens are recaptured. With that, we're going to pitch things over to Marc in weather. Marc, I understand you've been monitoring the conditions around Georgia football tonight, what can you tell us?

WEATHERMAN: [deep, weighty sigh] Gina, we're going to be real touch-and-go here the next 6-8 months. There is a lot of instability in our models, and what happens early on here can produce some dramatically different results.

[gestures to weather map]

WEATHERMAN: Now, what we've seen here recently, we've had a stagnant air mass hanging over the Northeast counties [circles Athens, draws an arrow to it, highlights it] here for the last few years. It's been responsible for a lot of the heavy cloud cover and that general *sticky* feeling we've gotten used to lately. Well, what we're seeing in recent days [shoulders tighten, brows furrow] there's going to be a lot of changes happening here, and our viewers are going to need to know how to prepare. We'll have that and more in 10 minutes.

[ad for personal injury lawyer]

[ad for local HVAC installer]

[ad for personal injury lawyer suing local HVAC installer]

[story about injured local tortoise]

WEATHERMAN: Tom, we've seen some real concerning updates coming in. [loosens tie] That stagnant air mass has abruptly departed our viewing area, breaking off and heading down toward South Florida - now, you might be saying, "hey, this is a good thing, right? We'll be breaking out of those stifling humid days and might see a change?" Well, what we're going to see here is some dramatic instability. That air mass was working like a blockade over our area - it was keeping things hot and still, but more importantly, it was keeping a lot of other activity out. Now that it's moved on, we're seeing a real vacuum in here, and this [hands drop to sides, he shakes his head sorrowfully] I'm real concerned about what we're seeing move in from the west. We'll have more on that - in just 15 minutes.

[ad for local car dealership]

[on-air commentary from station director about what NBA players not wearing shirts means for the election]

WEATHERMAN: [turns from bank of computer screens he's supposedly been monitoring while we were gone] With that southward clearing we looked at, what we're keeping an eye on now is this system that swept up from Alabama - there's a lot of energy contained in that system, and we're really not sure how it's going to behave. This system didn't have much impact in Alabama - despite all this energy we're modeling in it, it was kept from doing much by this high-pressure low-altitude mass here. Now that it's breaking into a lower-pressure scenario, there's a lot of different ways it could go and we could be looking at some REAL problems coming into the fall. I'll give you the full rundown - and details on how it might affect your weekend - in just 35 minutes.

[story about a bus crashing into a local business]

[ad for local jacuzzi / pool table / big green egg dealer]

[an entire episode of "Martin"]

WEATHERMAN: [he's lost his jacket and rolled up his sleeves] Now, I'm going to show you something here, if we zoom out to the larger map, what could really have some impact on how that system develops once it arrives here. You see this cluster here [he circles something on the map, but there is nothing clearly there] this is just moving out of the Pacific Northwest, and I don't think the models know how to factor it in yet. [pulls out chair, sits down, puts hands in head, sobs quietly for several minutes] This could really be something, folks. This could have bigger impacts than anything we've seen here in almost a decade. We'll tell you what kind of numbers we can expect - coming up right after this.

[they air an entire community-theater production of "Hairspray"] [It was supposed to be a 90-second fluff story but no one bothered to edit the footage down]

[it's now 3am]

WEATHERMAN: [he appears to be completely nude at this point, but the production team has gamely blurred enough of him to stay on air] [his torso is covered in complex diagrams] [it seems as though he's been talking the whole time we were gone] ...a lot of lingering energy returning in both backfields, but the European model -

SPOUSE, bleary-eyed: I thought you were coming to bed hours ago

ME: I just want to catch the UGA forecast, he's almost done

SPOUSE, checking phone: my app says 8-5

ME: I'll pack an umbrella tomorrow.