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FOOTBALL LAW REVISITED

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HERE ARE SOME RULES ABOUT FOOTBALL LAW AND ITS PRACTICE

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CON: Okay so this concerns two football players caught with a stolen firearm and weed in a traffic stop, which is bad. Please don't let come away from this with the idea that everyone's entitled to being arrested with a gun that's not yours. The weed we don't care about, but the gun thing? That's bad, and you can't do that, and seriously what the hell are you doing with a stolen gun anyway, you're a gigantic future NFL lineman, Cam Robinson.

PRO: Two talented young black men AREN'T going to get thrown into the predatory, racist, and largely for-profit prison system of Louisiana? For once, against all patterns of systematic incarceration in the state?

CON: You just made up a temperature-based system for judging whether or not someone should prosecute a crime. That's not how law works. That's not even how law in Louisiana works, and that's saying something. This now opens the door to an entire line of thermometer-based body of law for juvenile and young adult justice.

PRO: Um...at least he's doing this for the right reasons?

CON: Because both are from the Monroe area, and as an elected official this dude might decide not to prosecute the popular local football star? We got straws, keep grasping, there's plenty. The only upside for an Alabama fan is getting to say "this person made a weird decision because he is an elected official, not because he is an Alabama fan."

PRO: Is there another case you can cite of this happening?

CON: No. There are two, and they only involve the governor and the chief justice of the state.

PRO: Wow.

CON: But at least the speaker of the house, a convicted felon, went to Georgia and worked for Auburn? Does that help?

PRO: Unsure but War Eagle anyway. Hey, um: there wasn't enough evidence here, was there?

CON: That's the official stance. The one that might have sounded a lot better had the D.A. not come out and suggested that football practice could invalidate the need to prosecute a case? The one that still sounds a lot better, actually?

PRO: Um...it shows that football can corrupt judicial systems and outcomes even across team lines? Is that good, or at least not as bad?

CON: No? It's probably worse on the whole.

PRO: What if you commit a crime, work outside frequently as a youth, but suffer from anhidrosis, the inability to sweat?

CON: Then you better not end up in Ouchita Parish. This is case law under the Napoleonic Code now, son. Our suggestion: you spritz yourself good with a spray bottle before all court appearances.PRO: Doesn't this also mean players who work out in fancy, climate-controlled indoor facilities won't get the benefit of this prosecutorial selectivity?

CON: Compressors break all the time. Tell a grad assistant to get up on the roof and help the team.