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INSIDE THE TEXIT FLOTILLA

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SMALL WATERCRAFT AND BIG IDEAS TAKE CENTER STAGE DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS.

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Jack Taylor/Getty Images

As tensions mount in the Lone Star State ahead of the Big 12's expansion decision, the political forces at play are getting desperate. Tempers run high between the two camps that want to either stay at 10 teams or go up to 12, but with the ultimate decision coming, an unexpected third enters the fray in dramatic fashion, floating down the Colorado River through downtown Austin.

A young couple walks along the river with their baby.

DAD: It's such a beautiful afternoon. I'm glad we got away and took some time for ourselves.

MOM: Me too. This is just so perfe-- hey, look at all those boats.

A flotilla numbering in excess of 12 ships moves quickly through the water in tight formation. A great hooting and hollering comes from the boats as they move closer.

TEXIT

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: Yes, friends and family, we are here to declare our intentions for the great University of Texas at Austin Longhorns!

WHOLE FLOTILLA, IN UNISON: HOOK 'EM!

MCCONAUGHEY: We thought we'd weigh in on all this [dismissively] Big 12 expansion business. It may sound good to those among us who have not learned to truly listen, but to true sons of Texas, it's nothing but empty flimflammery.

FLOTILLA: [looks confused]

MCCONAUGHEY: IT'S A TRICK!

FLOTILLA: [grumbles loudly in agreement]

MCCONAUGHEY: Now I know the talk about whether to add teams to our conference or not, but today we propose a third option, inspired by our British friends across the pond. Today, I propose Texas leaves the Big 12! IT'S A TEXIT!

COLT MCCOY: Heck yeah, baby! Woooooo hook 'em! [attempts to unfurl large "TEXIT" banner from the side of the boat, but his arm gets stuck in the rope, pulling him overboard. Everyone laughs but still thinks he's just a great kid.]

RED MCCOMBS: Here you go, my boy! [throws in life preserver made of $100 bills]

MCCONAUGHEY: What program is better suited to go it alone than Texas? We're the biggest. We're the baddest. We have the most mon-ayyyyyyy! [several celebratory gunshots ring out] Yes, it's time Texas went it alone and threw down the one-sided obligations of Big 12 living! We're Texans! We came to a savage land and bent it to our will, and if we can do that, we can play a little football against whoever we want without having it dictated to us! Let's g--

A foghorn pierces through the air, immediately silencing the flotilla. Around the bend in the river, a second flotilla approaches.

REMA12N

MACK BROWN: Now just hang on a second there, Matthew! I love your passion for the University of Texas. I absolutely love it. You're a fine young man and your heart is in the right place, and for that I commend you. But I think you're chasing a snake down the wrong wagon wheel rut right now.

MCCONAUGHEY: Coach Brown! Ha HA! Coach, I respect the hell outta you, but it's time for some action. We don't have to support nothing teams like Kansas State and Iowa State anymore!

SOMEONE ON SHORE: Hey, remember when y'all got your asses shut out by Iowa State last year?

MCCONAUGHEY: [clearly rattled but trying not to respond] And also West Virginia!

SAME GUY: Y'all lost to them too.

MCCONAUGHEY: We're rich!

TEXIT FLOTILLA: HOOK 'EM!

BROWN: Matthew, you have to come to your senses. You're not thinking straight, and once we get out of here we can take a long drive in that fancy Lincoln of yours and sit in silence for a few hours while you telepahtically communicate with some cattle. Heck, I might try too. But this display today is bringing shame on the University of Texas. We have to present a united front, otherwise we risk losing the confidence of all the great players and all the great coaches at the many great high schools across the great state of Texas. And let's be honest, I'm not sure our current coaches can get moving even with that support.

Everyone looks at him like he's completely full of shit.

BOB BOWLSBY: Ummm, please don't leave. That's all I have, thanks.

MCCONAUGHEY: The time has passed for talk, we need to act, Coach Brown. The Eyes of Texas are upon us, and it's on us to give Longhorns present and future every possible freedom! It's in our DN--oh shit!

The boats slowly collide and everyone falls into the river, as they've been steadily drifting towards each other the whole time. Everyone looks like a bunch of real idiots.