NOTRE DAME IS READY TO JUDGE YOU

Notre Dame is introducing an, um, interesting jersey number assignment system this season. On a weekly basis, the coaches are going to award the 1 jersey to the player "that exemplifies himself both on and off the field in a manner that represents all the things we want a Notre Dame football player to represent." They'll do the same thing for numbers two through nine, which, hey, congratulations grad assistant who gets stuck with this extremely fun job. [NOTE: Apparently they're only doing this before the season and then locking 2-9 in. WAY TO HALF-ASS IT, BRIAN.]

There are two certain consequences of this system. One, if it's in place long enough, we're going to get an article that includes the phrase "[name], who Notre Dame coaches officially considered to be the fifth-best human being on the team, was arrested last night for urinating in public." Said article will also attempt to reach out to the players wearing 6 and 7 and ask them, as potential heirs to the 5 throne, to comment on the matter.

Two, other people are going to copy this, though it'll probably be changed so it doesn't just look like they're straight ripping off Notre Dame. A few potential examples:

OLE MISS: Jerseys numbers will be distributed in a preseason auction amongst the players, with proceeds going to charity. Of course it's not weird that they have hundreds of dollars to spend on this. They play online poker at overseas sites and keep their winnings in the British Virgin Islands. Let college kids live, hater!

MICHIGAN: Everyone will be assigned the number two jersey because the TEAM. COMES. FIRST. When the NCAA points out that this isn't permitted under the current rule structure, Jim Harbaugh will argue this isn't fair because SEC schools are allowed to have entire student bodies with a 2.0 high school GPA.

ALABAMA: Nobody gets a number 25 or above, because Nick Saban is sick and tired of the media overhyping this championship team that returns a bunch of players and consistently gets the best recruits! They haven't done ANYTHING! Don't look at them, they're hideous, you fools!

FLORIDA STATE: Every player will be assigned a number one digit higher than the corresponding player on Miami's roster.

OREGON: Will introduce new Nike DynamikNumbr jerseys, which change based on how many yards an offensive player has accrued or how big of a lead the Oregon defense is blowing.

WASHINGTON STATE: Jerseys will be assigned based on what order Mike Leach thinks his players would die if they fought in the Battle of Dogger Bank. If you didn't work on your turret skills this offseason, well, son, what exactly were you doing that was more productive?

KANSAS STATE: Everyone gets an old jersey Bill Snyder found in his attic. Here, you get to be 1980 Iowa quarterback Phil Suess!

ARKANSAS: Your jersey number is how many pounds Bret Bielema would like to see you put on by the end of the season. Better get your ass to that Pizza Hut lunch buffet, number 99.

BOSTON COLLEGE: Numbers will be assigned as usual, but everyone's nameplate is being changed to XY.