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AN EXPLORATION OF THE NCAA RECORD BOOK

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IT'S NOT HAPPY, OF COURSE

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This is not a place where we praise the NCAA often, if ever, but today is an exception to that rule: they do a good job of collecting historical records and putting them in all one place. Is that embarrassingly faint, akin to giving a MRSA-riddled hospital credit for keeping patient files? Yes, but without this resource, I would not have known things like "Northwestern once lost 34 straight games."

Oh, you thought I would use this resource for positive records? You really don't know me at all. Some lowlights I'd like to share with you.

FEWEST YARDS GAINED IN A GAME: -47, Syracuse vs. Penn State, 1947. Granted, this was a very good Penn State defense that only allowed 40 points total in the ten games it played that year, and this game was played in State College, and it was Penn State's homecoming. None of these are enough to justify a net yardage below the lowest recorded temperature in Pennsylvania history.

FEWEST YARDS GAINED BY A WINNING TEAM: 10, NC State vs. Virginia, 1944. They scored 13 points. On ten total yards. (does math, very casually, it's very easy for me, i'm great at this) At that rate, 2014 Oregon should have scored SEVEN HUNDRED AND ELEVEN POINTS PER GAME. Which probably would have been enough to get them past Ohio State!

MOST TURNOVERS LOST: 13, Georgia vs. Georgia Tech, 1951. Georgia fumbled on its first offensive play of the game. Then they fumbled four more times and threw eight picks, and the loss helped Georgia Tech split the SEC title with Tennessee. If you are a tortured Georgia fan in 2016, consider this - you never have to live in a world where Georgia Tech and Tennessee split an SEC title.

MOST TURNOVERS BY A WINNING TEAM: 11, Purdue vs. Illinois, 1943. 25 of the 34 players Illinois sent on the road for this game were freshmen, who were probably happier to be playing football than preparing to attack the Volturno Line. But then they had to watch Purdue turn the ball over eleven times and still win by 19 points. At least the boys fighting in Italy had the chance to get a medal.

MOST YARDS ALLOWED PER GAME: 553, 1993 Maryland. They still beat Duke and Wake Forest.

MOST POSSESSION TIME IN A QUARTER: 15:00, Auburn vs South Carolina, 2006. So Auburn's leading South Carolina 17-10 at halftime of this game, and they get the ball to start the third quarter. They eat up the first eight minutes of clock on a long, plodding drive that features six Kenny Irons rushes and a lot of Brandon Cox barely keeping the chains moving; it ends in a 25 yard field goal.

Then Auburn recovers an onside kick, which gives them the ball at their own 48. There are a little over six minutes left, and the Tigers use every second of it. When the quarter ends, they've moved the ball down to the one; they score on the first play of the fourth quarter.

I want you to picture Steve Spurrier having to watch an entire quarter of football where his offense never even steps on the field. I want you to further picture Steve Spurrier having to watch the OTHER offense score three points total during that quarter. Savor that imagination.

MOST CONSECUTIVE PASSES INTERCEPTED: The record is five. Don't accuse us of never showing Notre Dame football in a positive light.