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ESCAPE THE BOOM

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AN EXERCISE IN TEAM-BUILDING GONE HORRIBLY AWRY

[Will Muschamp awakens in a dimly-lit room]

[he is alarmed to find his ankle chained to a pipe]

MUSCHAMP: OH HECK NO IT'S A "SAW"

OFFENSIVE LINE COACH SHAWN ELLIOTT: Coach, calm down, we're here, buddy, just take a deep breath.

MUSCHAMP: I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU WERE THE JIGSAW KILLER

ELLIOTT: Coach, we've talked about this on a number of occasions. I am not the Jigsaw Killer. I am not the Slenderman. I am not Chef Boyardee. Also, I'm not clear why you're terrified of that last one.

MUSCHAMP: The man's a wizard! He can bend spaghetti into perfect circles! It always breaks when I try.

ELLIOTT, exasperated: Coach, you have to cook- alright, let me start over. This is not a "Saw". You are not in any danger. We're simply at one of those "Escape The Room" team-building things. We're in Pigeon Forge, Coach Boom. We went to Dollywood yesterday. You ate Dippin' Dots and got a tummyache.

MUSCHAMP: I don't remember any of this!

ELLIOTT: When we first walked into the room, you got scared, and you passed out screaming. Hit your head on the way down.

MUSCHAMP: Why am I chained up, though?

ELLIOTT, unlocking Muschamp's ankle irons: We just didn't want you to break anything. You know how you kick in your sleep.

MUSCHAMP, standing up and brushing self off: Okay. Okay, so explain to me - why are we here in the first place?

ELLIOTT: We're on a recruiting visit, Coach Boom. With so much debate over satellite camps, we thought we'd go outside the box a little bit, use some non-traditional methods to get to know recruits. This seemed fun, these things are really popular these days - and it'd be revealing for us to see how recruits work as a team and problem-solve.

MUSCHAMP: But why aren't there any recruits here then

ELLIOTT: [nods toward the three recruits who have been nervously standing to the side the entire time]

RECRUIT #1: My mom knows I'm here.

MUSCHAMP: It's, uh, a pleasure to meet you young men, we're looking forward to having you all in Gainesv-

ELLIOTT: Columbia

MUSCHAMP: - Galumbia this fall.

RECRUIT #1: She'll come looking for me if I'm not back.

RECRUIT #2: Hey, listen, why don't we just try to solve this game so we can all leave?

ELLIOTT: Hey, great idea, he's right. [claps hands] Let's get started, huh? We're a bunch of smart fellas, we can do this.

MUSCHAMP: So what's the game, what do we do?

RECRUIT #2: We have to solve some puzzles and riddles so we can find the key that unlocks that door over there.

MUSCHAMP: Aw, heck, son, you're right in my wheelhouse now. I lose my keys all the time. Flushed down the toilet, stolen by a turtle, accidentally hucked into the ocean when I'm playing Top Gun -

ELLIOTT: Coach, focus -

MUSCHAMP: Hang on, Goose - traded them for magic beans, mistook them for candy - point is, all you've gotta do is find a window to break.

ELLIOTT: Yeah, Coach, the athletic department wanted me to talk to you about that, your house is a rental

MUSCHAMP: It's more of a square actually

ELLIOTT: You keep breaking different windows, Coach. Haven't even fixed the other ones. You could just go in through the ones you broke before.

MUSCHAMP: Not following

RECRUIT #3: Wait, okay, there's a riddle on this card. "What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?"

MUSCHAMP: [through mouthful of Rubik's Cube he found and is eating] Leg monster [choking] this candy is terrible

RECRUIT #2: It's man! Wait, I've got it. There's a combination lock on that trunk. M-13... A-1... N-14...

[the lock pops open]

RECRUIT #1: Okay, there's another riddle. You have a canoe with a fox, a goose, and a bag of beans...

MUSCHAMP: Delicious dinner

RECRUIT #3: So we take the goose across first-

MUSCHAMP, not listening: secret is, you take the beans out of the bag before you microwave them...

RECRUIT #3, not listening: and then you take the goose back a final time! The goose goes on the seventh step, wait, that's it!

[he pulls a plastic goose out of the trunk, and places it on the seventh step of a staircase in the room]

[the staircase spins around, revealing a computer screen]

COMPUTER VOICE: Congratulations, prisoners! You're only one step away from making your escape. But first, you must solve this final riddle. You face two doors - behind one, a beautiful woman awaits. Behind the other, a ferocious tiger. You may ask only one question-

[the door to the room opens]

EMPLOYEE: Hey, I got a call from someone's mom saying you texted for help, and-

[the recruits all run for the door]

RECRUIT #1: wait we should find out which door leads to the Tigers

ELLIOTT: Well, you wanna go to the Titanic Museum, coach?

MUSCHAMP: I really identify with that boat