PLEASE PAY US TO TELL YOU THINGS, BIG 12

Because money is a fiction, the Big 12 decided to spend a chunk of it having an analytics firm answer one super complicated question: would adding teams and a conference championship game (and scrapping one regular season conference game) make it easier to put a Big 12 team in the College Football Playoff? The answer is "sort of, though not like a ton or anything." Truly groundbreaking research here.

But surely you have other questions, Big 12. Questions that keep you awake at night, bouncing around your brain taunting you to answer them. We'd like to help! Please see below for a few such inquiries we are happy to research on your behalf and the price we'll charge you for each study.

Is It Better To Have One Good Quarterback Start All Season Or Rotate A Bunch Of Guys Because None Of Them Are Really Starting Material? - $4,600

How Consistently Is Targeting Called? - $1,250

You Cool With A Draw Play On Third And Long? - $8,500

This Will Probably Be The Head Coaching Job Lane Kiffin Handles Totally Smoothly, Right? - $13,850

Do You Like This Alternate Uniform Adidas Made For Us? - $2,100

Baylor's Non-Conference Schedule: No Big Deal? - $3,975

Are Texas Fans Totally Chill These Days? - $750

Should I Drink This Homemade Shine A West Virginia Fan Offered Me? - $20

In Theory, If We Got Notre Dame To Join The Conference, Would They Be Total Assholes Who Made Our Lives Miserable At Every Turn? - $5,900

When Are The Times When Gary Patterson Isn't Sweating? - $28,600

Can Bill Snyder Die? - $147,000