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MEMORIAL DAY SUMMER SALE

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A SPECIAL MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY GUEST CONTRIBUTOR BILL, A LOCAL CAR DEALER WHO'S LOSING GRIP ON REALITY

[standing in front of your not-terribly-memorable local skyline]

HEY SPORTS FANS

[quick cut to him now standing in a parking lot in front of six Honda Pilots]

ITS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND AND WE'RE FLYING OUR SUMMER SAVINGS FLAG AT BILL HOPKINS AUTOMALL, THE DEALER FOR THE PEOPLE

[quick cut to him on the showroom floor, now dressed like Uncle Sam]

I WANT YOU-

[awkward cut to second angle from same camera]

-OU... TO SAVE BIG THIS HOLIDAY ON A NEW CAR, TRUCK, CROSSOVER OR THE VERY CONCEPT OF SUMMER ITSELF

[now he's dressed like George Washington]

YOU COULD *FORD* THE DELAWARE OR YOU COULD RIDE IN STYLE IN ONE OF OUR 2017 CROSSOVER SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES

IT'S 92 DEGREES BUT RAINING AND WE'RE CONVINCED SUMMER IS A GOOD THING

[dressed like Betsy Ross]

I'M - SEW - EXCITED TO SHARE THESE DEALS

AND TALK ABOUT BASEBALL AND AMERICAN SOCCER AND MOSQUITOS

[dressed like Alexander Hamilton]

MY NIECE SAID THIS WAS COOL NOW BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY

[dressed like Frederick Douglass]

(voice from off-camera) we should cut this one from the final ad

[dressed like Mary Todd Lincoln]

THESE DEALS ARE CRAZY

(voice again) that one's not great either, Bill

[back in street clothes, and like, a fringed leather jacket for some reason]

THERE'S JUST UNDER 100 DAYS LEFT IN THE OFFSEASON AND YOU NEED TO ACT FAST BEFORE THESE DEALS [snaps fingers] [awkward cut and now he's not in the shot] DISAPPEAR

DEALS LIKE

A NEW HYUNDAI ELANTRA FOR $149/MO

A BUICK THAT'S FINE IF YOU CAN GET THE FAMILY OF POSSUMS OUT OF THE TRUNK

PEOPLE TELLING YOU IT'S FINALLY MICHIGAN'S YEAR AND IT BEING MONTHS BEFORE YOU'LL GET TO SEE THEM BE WRONG

[gesturing as though he's just realized he has hands and is afraid of them]

BUY NOW AND GET A FREE RAKE

[outside standing on a surfboard in the parking lot, no explanation is given]

(UNINTELLIGIBLE BECAUSE HE'S TOO FAR FROM THE MIC)

[much closer to the camera now]

THOUSANDS OF RAKES

[with three of his grown dipshit children]

SUNSCREEN FEELS GREAT IT'S NOT JUST GROSS BODY HAIR GLUE

YOUR LAWN GREW SIX INCHES WHILE YOU WERE AT WORK TODAY AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE CALLING THE CITY

[awkwardly thrusting thumbs up toward camera, but looking at the wrong camera]

MOONROOFS

KIAS

UNSEEMING POSTURING BY RIVAL SCHOOLS ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL

[wearing your local team's jersey and pads why are you wearing pads Bill you're in your 50s]

WE'VE GOT NEW OLDSMOBILES

YOU THOUGHT THEY DIDN'T MAKE THEM ANYMORE BUT I GOT A GUY

BRAND NEW 2017 ALEROS, MY DOCTOR SAYS THEY'RE NOT REAL BUT THEY ARE AND THEY'RE JUST 27 DOLLARS

YOUR KIDS ARE OFF SCHOOL ALL SUMMER BUT YOURE STILL WORKING

ONE OF THEM PUT A HAM IN THE DRYER

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, BLAKE, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

TENNESSEE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THE LEAP THIS YEAR, BLAKE, NOW GO CLEAN UP THE HAM

[wide shot of the entire dealership sales staff from a high angle]

IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THIS ALL SUMMER

[unnerving closeup]

(menacingly) WE'RE DEALIN'