TERRIBLE NICKNAMES FOR CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY

Christian McCaffrey is REAL! respect his game, don't judge em just cuz of him bein a white runner...that boy COLD! does it all...

— Le'Veon Bell (@L_Bell26) May 20, 2016

Christian McCaffrey had an NCAA record 3,684 yards in total all-purpose yardage gained last year. This was a better number than Barry Sanders' total from his mindbending 1988 season, the season by which all other offensive players should be judged, the season where Barry gained 3,248 yards playing an eleven game season. This is footage from that season. Do not watch it at work, or in front of anyone you don't want seeing your naked form because IT WILL EXPLODE YOUR CLOTHES FROM YOUR BODY.

McCaffrey was that kind of good in 2015, which is too bad because he did not play running back for Alabama, and certainly did not play college football in the Eastern time zone. Both of these factors severely hampered his candidacy for the Heisman because, despite twenty years of non-stop availability of college football across multiple cable empires and broadcast mediums, sleepy voters on the East Coast do not watch football on the West Coast.

Also, there's this: McCaffrey doesn't have a nickname. Correction: he doesn't have a terrible, awful, horrendous, tacky, stick-to-the-brain moniker so odious it somehow makes you start rooting against him, just a little. We are here to provide some options, because we may as well get out ahead of this terrible thing. All of these are all terrible, and we do not endorse them in any way.

Cauc-BLAZE-ian
Herbert Mover
Dairy Sanders
The Mayo Clinic
Nimbledon
David Burn
Cardinal RicheWOOOOO
Bustin' Timberlake
Great & Barrel
"Chiclets"
The U.S. Senate
Abercrombie & Pitch
O.A.R.B.
The Subaru Halfback
Lil' Yeti
Apollo 11
Groot
Mike Truckabee