A LETTER AGAINST REDUCING PAC-12 NIGHT GAMES

Dear Pac-12 CEO Group,

Today I read that you're recommending the conference renegotiate its existing deals with Fox and ESPN to reduce the number of night games Pac-12 teams are forced to play. It's a smart move in terms of improving national awareness of your top programs and players, which obviously has implications for recruiting, media coverage, and maybe even playoff contention. And there are dozens of sportswriters in the Eastern time zone who will thank you for saving them a few hours of sleep.

I, however, am not one of them. I think this is a terrible decision, and one I hope you'll walk back. Here's why.

1. PAC-12 AFTER DARK WORKS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL TIRED AND LOOPY

Put this game at 3:30 in the afternoon and we're collectively ignoring it or labeling it as unbearable trash. At that point in the day, the average college football viewer is watching with a critical eye, ready to call out teams as overrated after the slightest failure. But at one in the morning? We are foolish children who figured out where Mom hid the Halloween candy, and we are POWERING through these SweeTarts whether we actually like the taste. The thrill of doing something terrible to our bodies is all we need.

2. SHAME CAN BE HIDDEN IN THE WEE HOURS

The 2012 Colorado Buffaloes went 1-11. Only two of those games kicked off later than 6:00 local time, so you could have spent normal Saturday hours watching Colorado lose to Oregon by 56, or to Stanford by 48, or to Washington by 35. Think how much happier Jon Embree would have been getting pummeled in those games when so much of the nation was asleep, even if Colorado wouldn't pay to cater dinner that late. He would have paid for Easy Mac out of his own pocket!

3. I NEED THIS EXCUSE , MAN

Okay, fine, this is the real reason. If I stay up until three in the morning watching some stupid Arizona State game, I have a credible reason to do NOTHING on Sunday. Laundry? Nah. Clean the kitchen? Nope. Do even the barest grocery shopping? Listen, I will order a supreme pizza and pick off all the toppings so we can make a salad with them later. That's TWO MEALS I've accounted for, which is pretty good for someone who stayed up late for no good reason!

(And no, I can't use the Hawaii game instead. Even people who don't watch college football know those don't mean shit.)