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FRANK BEAMER STUNTS ON YOU WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT

IT'S SO EASY FOR THIS DUDE

By Spencer Hall and Ryan Nanni
Stacy Revere/Getty Images

[airhorns airhorns airhorns airhorns]

[flexbomb flexbomb flexbomb flexbomb]

HOKIEBIRD: OH SHIT Y'ALL IT'S THAT DUDE AGAIN, GOT MORE SHINE THAN AN ALBEMARLE COUNTY BACHELOR PARTY, YOUR FAVORITE SPECIAL TEAMS COACH'S FAVORITE SPECIAL TEAMS COACH, THE MAN WHO PUT THE G IN FANCY GAP, THE TURKEY LEG LOTHARIO, AKA MITCH B, AKA LIL BIG TURN UP, AKA ARCHDUKE FRANZ TURNUPNAND, WE ON AN ULTRAFIGHT BEAMMMMMMMMMM

FRANK BEAMER: (nods courteously)

HOKIEBIRD: MY MAN WON'T JUST STOP BECAUSE THE TEAMS STAY SPECIAL. THIS AIN'T RETIREMENT THIS IS RE-FIRE-MENT WITH EXTRA FLAMES AND FLAME SAUCE. THERE IS NOTHING COMMON ABOUT THIS MAN'S WEALTH, SO BOW DOWN AND SHOW RESPECT TO THE O-EST OF G'S.

FRANK BEAMER: It's never too early to start investing in a 401(k).

HOKIEBIRD: MY MAN IS KILLING IT IN THIS FOOTBATH RIGHT NOW. YOU THINK THIS NAIL PLACE IS HAVING A SLOW DAY? NAH, NAH. MY MAN BOUGHT OUT THE WHOLE DAMN SHOP BECAUSE THESE TOES ARE COUNTRY CLUB, HOMEY: PRIVATE AND EXPENSIVE AS HELL. FRANK NEEDS ROOM TO BREATHE BECAUSE BIG TREES NEED OXYGEN AND MY MAN'S A REDWOOD FOREST ALL BY HIMSELF HOLLA AT ME LIKE AN EWOK IF YOU HEAR ME

FRANK BEAMER: (chuckles quietly) I'm not quite that old.

HOKIEBIRD: YOU SEE HIM JUST SIPPIN' ON THAT MILKSHAKE? THE INITIALS ARE F TO THE B, SHORT FOR THAT FROSTY BALLIN' HE'S HANGING ON YOU RIGHT NOW. MY MAN IS CLEAN AT THE FEET AND FROSTY TO THE TOP WITH THAT SNOWCAPPED WHITE ON THE PEAK. MY BOY'S A ONE MAN EVEREST RIGHT NOW AND YOU NEED OXYGEN AND FIVE SHERPAS TO GET ON HIS LEVEL. DON'T TEST IT HATER, YOU'RE ALREADY INTO THIN AIR HERE.

WHAT YOU SIPPIN' ON HIMI-PLAYA?

FRANK BEAMER: It's...it's banana pudding

[airhorns]

HOKIEBIRD: OH MY GAWWWDDDDDDDDD THE SMOOTHEST OF COLD DESSERT DRINKS FOR THE SMOOTHEST OF PIMPS. ALL HATERS AND BITERS STAND DOWN BECAUSE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN ARRESTED BY COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S HIGHWAY PATROLMAN. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT AND STUNNED. NOW GET IN THE BACK OF THIS CRUISER LIKE THE PUNKASS UVA FRAT BOY YOU ARE.

FRANK BEAMER: Actually, I drove the truck here. Need to swing by the carpet store later.

HOKIEBIRD: BERBER MOTHERFUCKER. WITH STAIN PROTECTOR BECAUSE SOMETIMES KIDS DON'T TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF AND FRANK IS ALL ABOUT THE KIDS.