Oh! Hello there. I didn't see you come in.
Please, have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink? I've got a lovely Lambrusco on ice right now. I really think you'd like it.
[conspicuously flexes while getting two glasses down from a high shelf]
What's that now? Just here on business, you say? I understand.
[winks, pours two glasses of Lambrusco, slides one across countertop]
Now then, what was it you wanted to talk about? Ohh, yes, this whole nasty to-do with the Big 12. Well, listen, I would be lying to you if I said we weren't intrigued, and we're definitely remaining open to the possibility.
[sits too-casually on white sofa]
We're open to lots of possibilities, you see.
[the room takes on the unmistakeable smell of popcorn]
What we're pitching to the Big 12 goes beyond the more workaday notions of candidacy, your Jane Footballs and Dick Televisionviewers. Don't get me wrong - we have a very robust football program, really strong, muscular, even. And we're always trying to attract new viewers.
[lifts remote, presses play]
[music from a CD clearly intended for use only in day spas plays]
No, it's more than that. What we're trying to share with the Big 12 [leans back on sofa] and to any other parties that might be interested - is a lifestyle. It's athletic success, academics, geography and facilities, sure - we've really worked hard to develop facilities that others feel welcome in - please, take off your coat!
[no one is wearing a coat]
But it's so much more than that! We've really strived to form relationships here - we don't want you just stopping by for a paycheck game or to audit a few classes - we want you to make yourself comfortable and hang around as long as you want!
[springs to feet]
Look at this view. Come on, now, I won't bite. Just take a good long look at that view. We've spent the last 15 years building out this campus into a premier destination, and this stadium is the crown jewel of that. It's one of the oldest stadiums in college football, you know - no, really - but it's shining like a jewel after our recent renovations. It's just like I say - you're only as old as you feel, and we feel like we've just started playing ball.
[starts giving an unsolicited shoulder massage]
You're so tense!
[turns on aromatherapy machine]
[it still smells a lot like popcorn in here, though, and there doesn't seem to be any popcorn, what's the deal with that]
Now, look, I'm no fool. I know the Big 12 has plenty of suitors. Plenty of really attractive suitors who'd love to spend more time with them.
[picks up another remote]
[turns on TV]
[the DVD menu to "Wild Things" is cycling through]
We're not the jealous type, though. We understand the Big 12 is a very attractive conference itself. Of course it would have plenty of suitors! Frankly, we'd find it strange if they didn't, and we wouldn't ask them to lie to themselves about this.
[jumps to floor, does exactly six pushups]
Really, we say the more the merrier. We've spent a lot of time with Memphis and UConn and Houston, and they're all really terrific. Tigers and Huskies and Cougars... oh my. And BYU! My, there's a rowdy bunch. Really spirited and physical.
[picks up a coffee table book of sculptures, idly leafs through it]
We played in Provo last season, and I'll tell you what, I was lightheaded by the second half!
[tosses book aside, landing on the faux-fur rug in front of the fireplace]
What I'm saying is, I don't think we should limit ourselves to 12 teams. If 14 feels right, or 16, or 18, we just need to embrace our feelings. Just because we're different people now doesn't mean we have to leave South Florida behind! They're very special and we've had some wonderful times in Tampa.
[picks up cordless phone]
How about some dinner? We can order in. Look at you, I bet you don't even eat. There's a great sushi place just around the corner. Ooh! Or chili. Have you had the chili here? C'mon, let's be bad. How do you take it? Three-way? Four-way? Fiv-
[sounds of a door slamming and footsteps running down the stairs]
Yes, hello? Yes, the usual delivery. The door's unlocked.