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WHY DID YOU DO THAT, DOG OWNER

WHY DID YOU TEASE THE REVENGE DRAGONS OF ARKANSAS

By Spencer Hall
Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

1. First let's be clear that it's very sad that this family lost their cat. Throughout history, it's been all too common to devalue the cat as a source of companionship. We're guilty of this. Maybe not as guilty as the people of Ypres, Belgium are of this, since we've only said things like "one hard and fast rule in life is this: someone will always make another cat." That's bad, but it's not throwing them out of a belfry to expel evil spirits because the Middle Ages sucked. This is very sad. Let's be clear on that.

2. Maybe if you have pit bulls you don't want them eating anyone's cat, sure, but let's also be clear on this: you really, really don't want your pit bulls eating an offensive line coach's children's beloved cat. An offensive line coach doesn't just have that strength coach insanity. No, they have something even worse. Their job is to train people to go out as a team and kick someone's ass in unison. Piss off a strength coach and you might escape by distracting them by throwing out a three liter tub of whey protein like an anti-SAM flare. Piss off an offensive line coach and suddenly you're part of a damn gameplan.

3. WHY DID YOU PISS OFF THIS OFFENSIVE LINE COACH?

KURTANDERSONRUN

LOOK AT THAT FACE. DESPITE BEING A MICHIGAN MAN, WE REMIND YOU THAT KURT ANDERSON IS COACHING IN ARKANSAS AND HAS ALREADY LIKELY INTERNALIZED THE KEY ELEMENTS LURKING IN EVERY ARKANSAN'S BLOODSTREAM:

1. VENGEANCE

2. RAGE

3. AN ABILITY TO BUILD A SERVICEABLE TREE STAND OUT OF A STOLEN SHOPPING CART

THAT FACE IS COMING FOR YOU AND IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS IS GOING TO TURN INTO AN OZARK TAKEN IN LIKE THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES BEHOLD KURT ANDERSON'S VOW:

"To the owners of the pitbulls that are roaming the neighborhood and killed our cat," Anderson wrote. "I will find you!"

AND WHILE THE REFERENCE IS GEOGRAPHICALLY MISPLACED YOU DO REALIZE YOU, PITBULL OWNER, JUST PUT YOURSELF IN THE PLOT OF A MOVIE YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYONE BUT THE MAIN CHARACTER IN, RIGHT?

WECK

Good luck, friend, and pray Bielema finds you first. (He will: Bielema's sense of smell is his greatest talent, and he left the Wisconsin job when he finally refused to hunt truffles for Barry Alvarez.)