Yesterday, amidst much fanfare, supervillain restaurateur and born-in-Columbus-Ohio-you-can-look-it-up television personality Guy Fieri announced that he would be opening a restaurant in downtown Louisville, Kentucky. How does this tie into college football, you ask? (Please stop asking me that. It's May.) Well, for one thing, both Fieri and college football are wildly popular American things that I'd have a real tough time explaining to someone from another country.
Second, Louisville as a city has been quick to embrace its status as "ACC Country," right down to the sign at the airport reminding you of that. (It's also a security thing. The ACC's lack of internal border controls makes it impossible to keep track of Paul Johnson. Remain vigilant.) When you move into a rich neighborhood, you've gotta act like you belong there, and don't pee in the front lawn anymore. In keeping with this nouveau-Power conference pride, Guy's new Louisville restaurant will be rolling out a special ACC-specific menu, which our intrepid corporate spies have obtained a leaked copy of.
CLEMSON: DOWNHILL DANNY'S ROCKIN' FORD-ITAS
No need to Bring Your Own Guts to this ragin' party - we Dabo your pleasure and Dabo your fun with a double-serving of beef tripe, stuffed full of nacho cheese and jammed between two of our signature Rippin' Arepas, then POUND the whole thing with a hail of Howard's Rock Candy - your mouth is sure to say: Deshaun? Wat's so damn good!?
PITT: SMOKE-LAND STADIUM NINE-CHOS BOWL
There won't be any empty seats when your team moves back onto the campus of Bitchin' University! This nacho bowl, served in an old truck tire, celebrates Pitt's nine national championships with nine of our boss-est toppings: there's chip-chopped ham, jumbo, city chicken, pierogis, halumpki, kielbasa, and Clark Bars, all topped with two fistfuls of fries and a heapin' helpin' of our Cherry Fitzgerald soda glaze! Yinz' gon' love it an' at!
GEORGIA TECH: TRIPLE-OPTION TACOS
This Flavortown Fave takes a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, covers it in Nerds, and winds up getting thrown RIGHT AT YOUR FACE by a surly old man!
I thought you said these were tacos.
Don't sass the menu, son, or I'll kick up the flavor! [menu takes off belt]
MIAMI: ROWDY RANDY SHANNON'S "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE STEW" BIG-TIME BOWL
Excuse me, waiter? This bowl is empty.
No it isn't!
It clearly is.
DUKE: DOWNTOWN DURHAM NO-BULL BLUE DEVILLED EGGS
They'll make eight laterals in your stomach and leave you angry tomorrow!
NORTH CAROLINA: FEDORA THE EXPLORER'S SLAMMIN' STEAK CHALLENGE
Can you finish a man's hat filled with 192 oz. of USDA prime beef in under an hour? No? You can't? Whatever, we'll put your name on the wall anyways. Keep this between us, though.
BOSTON COLLEGE: FLYIN' LIKE AN EAGLE CHESNUT HILL CHILI
Forget Addazio - this one's A Doozy, Yo! This multi-course meal starts with a fresh box of Flutie Flakes we found on eBay. Dig in to that, and one of our servers pushes you down a flight of stairs! Before you can recover, we slam the door shut and kill the lights. No one will find you. [guitar riff]
SYRACUSE: JURASSIC BITE-IS-WORSE-THAN-THEIR-BARKIN' DINO BABIES
If you've ever met a Syracuse grad, they've probably told you about Dinosaur Barbecue - well, we did them one better! We cloned the Indominus Rex from Jurassic World, killed it young, slow-smoked it over mesquite wood, and stuffed it full of cream cheese! It's an abomination and we've betrayed the soul of science! Out of town, Charlie Brown!
Okay, so we take a turkey sandwich, put a bunch of bacon on it, drown it in cheese sauce, and-
We make a stew out of eight kinds of meat, including old sheep-
We make a baseball-sized ball of oysters and bread crumbs, deep fr-
Screw this I'm getting drunk.
You'll fit in just fine.