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WHICH ALABAMA COMMEMORATIVE CHAMPIONSHIP KNIFE ARE YOU?

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CONSULT YOUR DEEPEST FEELINGS, AND YOU'LL KNOW THE TRUTH.

Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Commemorative championship bullshit is a cottage industry that's latched onto sports both professional and amateur, not unlike a remora on the bottom of a shark. Only this remora wants to sell you a team-branded divot tool and adjustable baseball cap made of Chinese newspaper shreds.

It's not surprising to see team-branded nonsense of every stripe, but sometimes you can't help but be struck by the beauty of it all.

Sometimes, the universe finds itself in perfect alignment, and you get something beautiful like this. What better way to show your Alabama pride than a beautiful and functional Alabama pocket knife, complete with a striking mother of pearl handle and handsome display plaque.

A cursory googling brought me to the web page where this knife can be purchased, and after viewing the rest of the inventory, I found that there truly is an Alabama commemorative championship knife for everyone. And so, in service of the greater community's happiness, let's find out which knife is perfect for you.

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Let's start with the beauty pictured above. It's discounted from $159.95 all the way down to $75, so really, what are you waiting for? What are you, scared of owning something your neighbors will surely covet? Be bold, not unlike that pristine mother of pearl handle.

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Impress your friends! What appears to be your run of the mill Crimson Tide-themed tin of Skoal Straight actually filled with this handsome devil. Do you fancy yourself a man or woman of mystery? Have you always zigged when everyone else zagged? Have you always wanted a knife with the score of the Alabama-Clemson game written on the handle? Look no further. And at only $38, you'd be a damn fool not to buy one for every room of your house.

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Okay fine, this one is out of stock, but don't get discouraged. If you're the rough and tumble sort, this rugged yet refined bowie knife will still your drink no problem. Your neighbor keeps letting his dog go in your yard? Go show him who's boss by having a passive-aggressive conversation out in the yard while absentmindedly holding this mad bastard. You'll scare the hell out of him, all while letting him know that hell yeah the Tide whupped on Notre Dame, and don't you forget it. You're in charge, pal. Just look at this size of your commemorative knife.

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Are you a gear head? Do you love nothing more than the low, primal growl of an automobile made here in the gotdang United States of America? Do you also like knives? Hell, of course you do. And if you've also got $49.95 plus shipping, then you've got yourself that impressive conversation piece right there. No, the knife isn't as intricate or impressive as the other ones here, but it comes in a truck, hater.

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And finally, a knife for the more discerning individual. What do I mean? Yes, it's by far the most expensive knife, and you can always hang that over your friends heads. But take your eyes of that beautiful piece of Crimson Tide-themed ceremonial weaponry -- if you can, that is -- and look to the left. See that? That's a certificate of authenticity, friend. If you purchase this beauty, you can lay your head down at night comfortable in the knowledge that yes, you spent $150 on a real Alabama commemorative knife. Not a fake knife. No, no. You don't accept that kind of tomfoolery. You enjoy the finer things in life, and among those things are only the purest Alabama commemorative pocket knives.

And really, what could be more valuable than that?