[ESPN commentator and former head coach Jon Gruden arrives back at his hotel room after last night's first round of the 2016 NFL Draft in Chicago]
GRUDEN: What a night. What a night. A great night if you love the game of football, a game played by football players who just know how to play football in the National Football-
BELLHOP: Sir, a tip is customary.
GRUDEN: [pulls bellhop in extremely close] Kenyan Drake.
GRUDEN: [jutting chin out aggressively]
[the bellhop departs wordlessly]
GRUDEN: A great night. How about that. [claps] Jared Goff! [picks up phone, dials reception] Carson Wentz! [bangs on wall, cups hands against wall] JOEY BOSA. [opens minibar, screams at Toblerone] EZEKIEL ELLIOTT.
[He pauses, breathes heavily for 30 seconds, then dives onto the bed. He bounces off and lands on the other side]
GRUDEN: [unfazed, from floor] Jalen Ramsey.
[he gets up, smoothes his clothes, and surveys the room]
What a great room. A real winner of a hotel room. Nice space. Clean. [reads sign on wall] No smoking. You like to see that. Focused on health. No off-the-field concerns. Coaches in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE love to see that. [stalks toward door] Fire evacuation plan. Look at that. That's terrific. You want a room that knows the playbook. It's lined up right here, room 302, right between 300 and 304. Next to the ice machine. But it's not an ice machine. [claps] It's a NICE MACHINE.
[he picks up a notepad and examines it]
Baymont Suites. Hasn't been high on a lot of people's draft charts, Mel. [Mel is not present, to be clear] Mel, a lot of folks, they're gonna look to a five-star hotel downtown. Big name programs like Hilton. Marriott. W. Not for me, Chris. You can trade up to get a T.Y. Hilton or a Marcus Marriott, it's not gonna buy you a W. You want to get ahead in the National Football League, you're gonna have to find value. This hotel? This guy here's rated two stars on Yelp. Lotta the other commentators looked it over. Didn't get into the Loop. Ended up grinding out hospitality in Calumet City. It's a hardworking place. Gritty. Blue-collar. Next to a U-Haul lot and a jerk chicken stand. [Shouting into Gideon Bible] That's what you want to see! You want to see a kid who knows how to move his own futon and how to put up with jerks. You want to be a top-flight organization, a real leader like the Patriots or Steelers, you're gonna save your travel per diem and find value in the late rounds. [claps to the "everybody clap your hands" rhythm]
[he flops onto the bed]
King size. That's terrific. What a wingspan. 76 inches wide. That's eight and a half feet of pure comfort, Mel. You take a bed like this, you can put it on the field on day one, and it's gonna fill those gaps for you. BOX. SPRINGS.
[he picks up the phone]
GRUDEN: Let me get a turkey burger. Everything on it. Extra mayonnaise.
DESK CLERK: We don't have room service, sir.
GRUDEN: Medium-rare. [hangs up] Turkey burger, there's a world-class dinner item. You're taking a slow flightless bird, and you're coaching it up to cow. But it's lean! [stands up, jumps on bed] Low in fat. Just pure bird muscle, and not just on Thanksgiving. You're out in there in the straw THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY EIGHT DAYS A YEAR, Mel.
[he turns on the TV and begins flipping channels]
27 Dresses. Great movie. Great, great movie. Love what HBO's doing, picking it up this month. Great value there, and that's how HBO stays successful year-in and year-out. You hear some rumblings around the league that people don't like Katherine Heigl. Some say she's hard to work with. But man-to-man, Mel, you ask James Marsden, and he'll tell you: she puts in the work. You know an organization like HBO's taken a close look here, and they've liked what they've heard from her. [changes channel] Property Brothers. Great show. You've got one guy here, but he's playing two positions. That's versatility, and that's value. [changes channel] Shark Tank. Don't understand it. Where are the sharks? I don't like being lied to. [changes channel] [he quietly watches four straight episodes of Dora The Explorer over the next two hours] Great stuff. Learned a lot.
[he bounds to his feet]
I should unpack. Two more days of drafting here in Chicago. GREAT CITY, MEL [claps]. They do a great thing here. They take an old hubcap, they fill it with tomato sauce and wet dough. And then they pack SIX POUNDS OF LOW-GRADE CHEESE in there. Then they're taking that hubcap full of goo, and they're lining it up there at starting pizza. Ingenuity.
[he opens his suitcase]
Wow. Lot of great shirts in here. Lot of great shirts. [picks up Big Dogs shirt] Love this. Great message. Run with the big dogs. That's leadership. I'm a general manager, I'm a coach, I don't want to see anyone staying on the porch. That's a tee-shirt, but it's not a me-shirt. It's a Team. Shirt. Great stuff. [picks up dress shirt] Look at that. That's an Oxford. That's a top-flight shirt. Covers the whole torso. Shoulder. To. Shoulder. You can wear it to a business meeting or to a romantic dinner. That's a shirt that'll work in any scheme for you. You love to see that. I could see this shirt going off the board early tomorrow night.
[pulls out laptop]
I'm gonna look at houses in Oxford. Thinking of getting some property down there.