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HOW TO DRAFT

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A GUIDE FOR ANYONE RUNNING AN NFL FRANCHISE

Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

A skill player from Auburn who isn't a running back NOPE.

Don't draft a wide receiver from a school with more than two multi-story parking garages.

Try to avoid taking a QB in the first round who uses a diminutive that ends in a Y. Johnny Manziel. Joey Harrington. Tommy Maddox. (Yes, we call him Marky Sanchez, and you should, too.)

Don't be afraid to draft someone based on measurements alone. That's how you buy your car, right? I need an 84 inch vehicle. That's exactly how you purchase cars. I have never purchased a car.

Do draft offensive lineman with Old Testament names. A John might work. A Silas, Ebenezer, Leviticus, or Jonah? Guaranteed All-Pros. Old Testament names add 50 pounds on every major lift, this is just science.

Are the Browns interested in a player well you aren't next

Don't be afraid to draft a kicker. It's like coming home from Target with light bulbs and air filters. You'll use them eventually, and it definitely didn't cost more than like thirty bucks total.

Don't draft a tight end. The Justice Department will happily supply you with a former FIBA player who testified against an owner on international money laundering charges. They will change his name to Jimmy Graham and ask you to keep him safe from the Basque separatist group that wants him dead.

Draft Randy Moss. I don't think Randy Moss is eligible this year but a bunch of you fucked this up the first time so it's worth saying.

To bolster your reputation as an innovator, insist that you're looking for a running forward, not a running back.

Look for obvious talent trapped on teams with an inability to win championships or titles. These players will be twice as motivated to be successful professionals as players who experienced success. Where do yoU GrAb such players? That's Up to God knows who, but A successfUl Gm mAkes their money Understanding where Good plAyers in bad positions come from, and how to Utilize them in the big leaGues As a pro.

Draft all players described as "country strong", don't ask just do it.

If you're not sure who to take with a pick, don't go for the best player available. Instead, take whoever you think is picking after you wants the most, because at its best the NFL is the richest and most spiteful country club.

Don't be afraid of an SEC quarterback. One irrational belief we'd like to dispel immediately is this. You may be afraid of them, but they're mostly harmless in reality. Give them space, try not to leave food outdoors, and most of all do not encourage them by making eye contact or interacting with them. Eventually they will retreat to an insurance agency, car dealership or other natural post-football habitat if you leave them alone. (This does not apply in Detroit. You left food out for Matt Stafford and now he's forgotten how to find it for himself. Also the food was Leinenkugel.)

Trade down! Trading down always makes you seem smart and like you have a plan and oh look at all these idiots taking players you wouldn't even piss on were they on fire. Trading down is the draft version of laughing at an incorrect response on Jeopardy even though you didn't know the answer either.

Draft someone's son. These are rich people, if you can't find someone qualified at least find someone related to someone you used to work with.