THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA'S FINEST TRADITION

Georgia cornerback Juwuan Briscoe got arrested on Saturday. His crimes? Failing to wear a safety belt while driving and not having his license on him, two serious offenses to public safety if you consider that a) it would really, really hurt to be walking down the sidewalk and get hit by a college football player who's just been thrown from his vehicle because he wasn't buckled in and b) that license could have been stolen, filed down to a sharp edge, and used as a murder weapon.

Though this pair of misdemeanors does not do enough to justify breaking out the Stipe-Ping Pyramid, it does have a few troubling elements we cannot, in good conscience, ignore.

Number one:

It's generally presumed that college programs slightly exaggerate the measurements of their players, and Georgia lists Briscoe at 193 pounds. If, say, that was already over by a bit, what's he doing at 196? Is Kirby Smart failing to monitor player nutrition properly? Is he distributing anabolic steroids to his players? And why doesn't UGA's police department give you more useful metrics like body fat composition, arm length, and bench press reps? This is not the statewide commitment to championship we were promised.

Number two:

YOU MISSED LEMONADE MAN HOW ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO KNOW WHAT THE BEYNTERNET IS TALKING ABOUT NOW. YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE SLASHING RACHEL RAY'S TIRES.

Number three:

oh god i'm so old.