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LIVE, FROM DACOACHELLA

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A MUSIC FESTIVAL I'D HONESTLY RATHER ATTEND THAN THE REAL ONE

[SCENE: an unnamed bayou in rural Louisiana]

MUSIC REPORTER: Wait, is this the place? I told the Uber driver to take us to Coachella. This doesn't look like a California polo club at all.

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: it didn't occur to you to say something before we got here? We've been driving for three days.

MUSIC REPORTER: [hurls scarf over shoulder] I was busy arguing online.

TECH REPORTER, icily: I'm still right.

MUSIC REPORTER: [reddens, pulls out phone, types furiously]

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: Well, look, I don't think this is the right place, but maybe they've reconceived things this year. The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival is one of the most cutting-edge events in popular culture today, as evidenced by such fresh headlining acts as AC/DC and Guns N' Roses! I bet this flooded bayou actually is the right place in the California desert, and it's an immersive commentary on ecological issues and the rising seas. [smiles, puts hands on hips] Celebrities - they've done it again!

TECH REPORTER: Hmm, maybe that's the check-in tent. [points to run-down shack nearby] Let's go see what the Wi-Fi situation is here.

[they approach the shack and knock on the door]

[the door bursts open, and a shirtless and agitated man wrestling a raccoon falls out and rolls on porch]

ED ORGERON, hollering at raccoon: I TRUSSETU WIMMATIGAHMONEY EN YA INVESSITALL INNA CHIPOTLE FRACHICE YUH SONMAGUN IH YALL WANNT KINNA ME IDA TURMYAH INNA A HAT

RACCOON: [hisses]

ORGERON: THASSYA ANSAHTA EFFERTHIN

[Orgeron picks up the raccoon and hurls it a considerable distance, far enough that we don't hear it land]

[he stands up and wipes the blood off his chest which, despite all outward appearances, is neither his nor the raccoon's]

ORGERON: WELL I SAH I DINNANO I HADDA GESS TODUH HOWDDAHECKAYYUH [extends hand]

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: Um... hello, sir, we're credentialed media here to cover the festival, and...

ORGERON: WHOSSAH "WE" ONLAH WONNAYAH RIHEH RIHNOW

[the lifestyle reporter turns, bewildered, to find that the other two are no longer on the porch]

[the sound of a branch snapping directs their attention to the location of the other two, who have climbed a tree in terror]

ORGERON, guffawing: OH THA SADDA THIN HAPPA NAWLDA TIME, BEN A CENSUHTAKA UP INNA SEN TWENNYTEN

[their gaze shifts to a slightly higher branch]

CENSUS TAKER: why has no one come for me

ORGERON: I TOSSA LIDDUH FELLUH DA LEFFOFA GATAHMEAT SUH HEDUNNA STARFADEF

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: I beg your pardon, sir, but I'm beginning to question that we're actually at the right place. You see, we're here to cover Coachella-

ORGERON: DASSA ME, IMMA DACOACH, ELLA [shakes reporter's hand vigorously, reporter winces in obvious pain]

TECH REPORTER [tentatively returning to porch]: No, sir, we're talking about the famous music and arts festival, Coachella

ORGERON: ELLA TA YALL TOO [jovially slaps back of tech reporter, who passes out from the pain]

MUSIC REVIEWER: Sir, we can go around in circles all day with this, but the event we were expecting to attend is, per Wikipedia, "an annual music and arts festival [that] features many genres of music, including rock, indie, hip hop, and electronic dance music, as well as art installations and sculptures"

ORGERON: WE GOT PLENNY A' SCULPTURES, BIG OL MEANUH MONSTAHBIRDS COMMINAH PICKA CARCASS AFTUH AH FINNUSH EATIN AH DEER

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: Look, we're getting nowhere here. The three of us are on strict deadlines, and we're going to need to get out to the real festival. I've got to find three idiots I can quote about some unusual practice, so I can tell America that the hottest fashion is wearing beekeeping suits or drinking coleslaw smoothies or something. My associate Bushwick here needs to overhype a reunion show by a band that broke up three weeks ago as having "saved rock and roll for future generations". My tech friend Newton - who, I should be clear, was named after the Apple device released in the mid-'90s, and not the scientist - has to tell the public what the next hot social media network is going to be for the twenty-five coastal media types who'll actually use it. I just want to understand how we ended up in the wrong place again. As you can see, Google Maps clearly indicates this location as "COACHELLA". Do you know why that is?

ORGERON: [squints at phone, smiles, nods emphatically] OH SHUH THASSA BRANDIN STRATAJUH BY DACOACHO, YA SEE, EFFA SEN DACOACHO LEAFFA SUDDEN CALLAFORNA BEEN LOOKINUH GEDDA PERMUNIN' HECOACHIJAW. MAKIN UH KNOWN TO PEEPAH DACOACHO AINGUN BE DEFIN FOREFFA BY DA LACKUH SUSSES AT OLMISS. BUH DACOACHO DON SPENNA OFFSEASUN INNA METROPOLIS LIKA STARVUL OR TALLAHAPPY OR CLUMPYA. SUM AFFLECKIC DERRECKAH WANNA HIRE DACOACHO TO RUN THEY PROGRUM, DACOACHO GOTTA BE EASY TO FIND. SO I PAY TO PUT MAH NAME INNA GOOBLEMAPSEARCH. AN I WANNEMAH KNOW DACOACHO A FRIENLUH GUY, SO I SAYUH "ELLA", TOO. WUH MAH AGENT IDEEJA.

[he gestures, as if his agent were nearby, but all the reporters see is a nutria swimming by. It takes a moment for the full implication of this to set in]

MUSIC REVIEWER: Well, this is just terrible. There are no direct flights from this bayou to Southern California, and by the time we'd be able to get there, the festival would be over. We're not going to be able to file our pieces, and we're going to lose our jobs.

TECH REPORTER, who has finally regained consciousness: Well, we were probably going to lose them soon anyways, I mean, media...

MUSIC REVIEWER: but I wanted to be laid off, not fired for cause! I've had so much fun covering bands like LCD Soundsystem, Calvin Harris, Ellie Goulding, Jack U, Major Lazer, Chvrches, Robert DeLong, Ice Cube, Sia, Death Grips, Grimes, Disclosure -

ACTIONCOOKBOOK [breaking the fourth wall]: most of these names could be entirely made up and I'd have no idea, I've seen Third Eye Blind live in the 2010s

MUSIC REVIEWER: ... Florence and the Machine, Marina and the Diamonds, Azealia Banks, Kaskade, Alesso, The Weeknd, Tame Impala, Interpol, Alabama Shakes, Grizzly Bear...

ORGERON: WE GOT GRIZZLY BEAR HERE

[the reporters perk up]

MUSIC REVIEWER: ... really?

ORGERON: BECKY COME ON OUT HEYUH

[a grizzly bear emerges from the cabin]

[the reporters exit, pursued by the bear]

ORGERON: TELLUM DACOACHO AFFAILUBBLE