DAN MULLEN RUNS A MARATHON

[somewhere around Mile 23 of yesterday's Boston Marathon]

DAN MULLEN, huffing: Whoo. Really starting to tire out now. I guess they weren't kidding about "hitting the wall". These last three miles are gonna feel like November 2014. But hey, it's for a good cause, right? I'm raising a lot of money for the kids, and it's good exercise. Besides, what a beautiful morni-

[Nick Saban runs alongside him, stonefaced and not sweating]

MULLEN: Well dang, Nick, I didn't know you were runnin' this today, too! How the hell are you, buddy?

SABAN: Cut the crap, Mullen.

MULLEN: ... I- I'm sorry, what?

SABAN: We all see through your game with this. Last week the NCAA bans satellite camps, and conveniently this week you're conducting workouts in Boston? Not on my watch, pal.

MULLEN: Nick, this isn't a recruiting thing, I'm just running a marathon.

[Saban slaps him]

SABAN: EVERYTHING IS A RECRUITING THING. Everything I ever do - every move I make is calculated to best replenish my bottomless robot army of athletic teens!

MULLEN: Well surely you're exaggerating, I mean -

SABAN: You know how everyone thinks I'm short? It makes recruits feel good. "Hey, I'll go play for this guy, how bad can it be, he's shorter than me!" Well, guess what? I'm actually 6'-3"! Same camera work they use to make Kiefer Sutherland or Sly Stallone look like they're tall in action movies, just reversed! Do I suffer a lot of jokes for it? Sure. Does it marginally increase my odds of success? Possibly!

MULLEN: There's no way that's true, I'm looking at you right now, and

[camera angle shifts] [Saban is suddenly 6'-3"]

MULLEN: Holy shit

TALL SABAN: Exactly. So don't hand me this crap about "charity". I run fifteen different charities in Alabama and they're all fronts for recruiting. Hell, we built A'Shawn Robinson out of construction materials I skimmed off of Habitat For Humanity. He's supposed to be a two-family townhouse in Meridian.

MULLEN: That's despicable, Nick!

SABAN: Despicable Nick is my life story! I wrote a kids' movie about it. Movie studios said it was "too scary" and "why are your Minions killing people". Reconceived the whole project and wrote me out of it entirely. Anyways, my point is - I'm not ceding any inch of ground to you. Boston's a perfectly untapped recruiting market! There's no college football teams anywhere near here, and-

MULLEN: well there's-

SABAN: if you think you're going to just freely take an advantage over me or anyone else in the SEC West, you're sorely mistaken, pal.

MULLEN: See, now, you're giving me this "everyone else does it" tone that you always do, but I don't see any of the other coaches in our division here, now, do you?

[Hugh Freeze runs up alongside them]

FREEZE: Hey, fellas! Man, what a beautiful day it is. I've been looking forward to this for months. Was up before dawn every morning for six months following an intense training program, I've got the best gear, and I've got a perfect plan for the race. Anyways, when's the race start?

MULLEN: Three and a half hours ago.

FREEZE: aw horsefeathers

[they approach Kevin Sumlin, who's been sitting by the side of the road clutching his side, panting]

SUMLIN, as they pass: I was leading for the first two miles!

SABAN: I'm gonna miss him.

[Bret Bielema sidles up to them in a personal mobility scooter]

MULLEN: Aw, heya, Bret.

[Bielema says nothing, swerves into their path]

MULLEN: ow hey ouch quit it come on OW

SABAN: Don't worry, I switched his battery out with one of those cheap hoverboard ones. Just give it a sec-

[the scooter explodes, engulfing Bielema in flames]

BIELEMA, rolling on ground: you think this is gonna stop me? This is the third time I've been on fire today. And I woke up at noon!

FREEZE, checking watch: but it's only 5am

MULLEN: Geez, this is almost the whole division here, isn't it?

[Les Miles swims by]

MULLEN: I'm not even going to try to make sense of that. But hey, that's everyone but Malzahn, huh? Wonder where he is?

SABAN: I've been wondering that since last fall.

[everyone laughs, including Miles, who's now on a hang-glider]

MULLEN: Now look, guys, I want to be real about this. I'm glad you all are here, for real. Yeah, you're working against me on paper, but competition is healthy. A rising tide lifts all boats, and I was really starting to struggle before you showed up, but now we're almost finished. I've been working so hard against y'all that I didn't even notice those last few hills. Thing is, though, I am doing this for the right reasons, and I don't want this internal conflict to take away from that. I want the focus tomorrow to be on the money I raised for children's charities.

SABAN: You're not getting rid of me that eas-

MULLEN: Look, Hugh, a lucky penny!

[Freeze dives for the penny, tripping Saban, who falls flat on his face]

MULLEN, jogging toward finish line: lol I love when he does that