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HOW GEORGIA IS THIS CRIME: MARK RICHT LOSES CONTROL OF FART SPRAY

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A MAN, A PLAN, A BOTTLE OF LIQUID ASS

Ross Setford/Getty Images

This week's edition of "How Georgia Is This Crime" is pretty much a winner from the moment you read the lede:

A 20-year-old Georgia man was taken into custody last week, after he was accused of deploying a foul-smelling prank fart spray in a bar.

Oh, that's some strong Georgia. We have to look at the particulars, sure, in order to place it on the proper place on the Stipe-Ping Pyramid of Georgianity. But just off the nose, at this first whiff of the bottle uncorked? That's at least 80 proof Georgia, and starting at a minimum of "Church."

Georgia Pyramid

Question 1: Did the crime in question involve a vehicle? No, unless you count alcohol as a form of transportation. (Which to be clear, we totally do most of the time, just not here.) There's no mention of a vehicle explicitly, so we can at least congratulate everyone here for not turning this into a DUI case. This is strictly Boortz-level Georgia-ness, though.

Question 2: How Georgia is the arrestee's name? That strong odor of Georgianity we caught when the lid came off this? Oh, it's all here. Back up for a second, and gird thyself. We did not make this name up. Life did, and you can blame it before you start complaining to us.

Blake Zengo, of Bogart, was charged of disorderly conduct, public intoxication and underage possession or consumption of alcohol, according to an Athens-Clarke County Police Department incident report.

Blake Zengo of Bogart is both the most Georgian possible name AND a character we are three minutes away from creating in Dark Souls. Having Blake as a name from birth automatically grants you fifty percent admission to UGA, and a five percent discount on tuition. Having Blake as a name means you already have five to seven years worth of golf rounds booked in your name at local public courses. Blake's a kicker. He doesn't know it, and obviously hasn't adequately harnessed his powers yet, but Blake is a kicker with a fraternity membership, a Tahoe, and a powerful sunburn from a long, selfie-filled weekend on St. Simons Island.

Blake is ABOUT that Yeti lifestyle. Blake is glad you remembered his name, because it's easier to sell insurance that way.

Zengo is we dunno it's just an awesome sounding name and again, would look perfect splayed across the back of a SEC kicker's jersey. BLAKE ZENGO, OF BOGART, HERALDED AND BEHELD AT THE GATES OF YON ATHENIAN DEBAUCH. He's the knight we need AND the knight we deserve. This is 100% without hesitation Herschel-level Georgianity.

Question 3: What was the state of the arrestee's hair and dress?

blakezengo

Golf shirt, check. Hair could be schwoopier, to be honest. Without seeing the khaki shorts or footwear, this is church-level Georgianity. Add in some flops and ill-fitting shorts and we're upping it to Croakies, but we only have the data we have.

Question 4: Are there other factors which enhance or decrease the Georgianity of the crime? Oh, a few.

A 20-year-old Georgia man was taken into custody last week, after he was accused of deploying a foul-smelling prank fart spray in a bar.

"Not knowing how to act in general" is a strong, strong Georgia piece of business, especially under the circumstances described here, i.e. underage drinking. There's the general tomfoolery of being drunk, sure, but there's also the loud, completely oblivious drunkenness you can only have when you're 20, did not grow up getting any kind of preliminary training in drinking via churchiness and stuff, and are also carrying fart spray because your sense of humor is located three standard deviations below the admissions standards to enjoy The Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Blake is there. He is so obviously at that level in so many ways. AH: the bar is named "Whiskey Bent", he sprayed a woman in the eye and then denied it, he appeared to be "very inebriated", and some of the patrons had to evacuate the bar due to the smell. Some of the patrons stayed-- which on the flip side is also super, super Georgia to keep drinking despite a military-grade fart spray cloud lurking in the bar.

Finally:

The Fart Prank spray will be placed in evidence.

The surrounding circumstances rate a full Herschel, especially when we tell you the spray is named "Liquid ASS."

FINAL STIPE-PING DETERMINATION: Croakies. This is strong, but not perfect Georgianity, and leans more into "General Various Country Bro-ventures" which could be applicable anywhere. Still, Blake Zengo just started his campaign for the governorship he will undoubtedly hold one day.