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A PERSUASIVE LETTER TO JEFF FISHER

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IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I SAY, I'LL KEEP CALLING YOU "RON TURNER WITH A MUSTACHE AND BETTER SUNGLASSES".

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

We try to stay out of the realm of NFL affairs here, but the waters are muddied during draft season. Sometimes, the opportunity is simply too good to pass up. And with the Los Angeles née St. Louis née Los Angeles Rams trading up for the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft on Thursday, while still coached by walking C- term paper with a mustache Jeff Fisher, is one of those times.

I want to say the Rams suck. I mean, they do, but they do it in such an aggressively average way that it dulls any intensity with which you can possibly have an opinion about them. They are an overstuffed beige couch. They're those all black sneakers your Dad wears to work because they kind of resemble normal shoes if you don't really look. They haven't had a .500 season in a decade, and they're coached by a hirsute ficus with a career .522 win percentage.

Giving the top overall pick to a team coached by Jeff Fisher is utter madness, and of course, it appears the Rams traded up without actually knowing for sure which quarterback they want to draft. And yes, it will be a quarterback. As enticing as the two-headed monster of Nick Foles and Case Keenum was last year (combined 11 touchdowns, 11 interceptions), they will be moving in a new direction. Maybe it will be Jared Goff or Carson Wentz, but I'm here to offer my advice to the Rams.

They should draft Christian Hackenberg No. 1 overall. It makes perfect sense.

1. He's earned this money. Aside from the physical punishment Hackenberg's been taking for free for the past three years, he's had to play in whatever it is that Penn State was running on offense since James Franklin took over. Last year, Jameis Winston's contract as the top pick was four years, $23.35 million and included a $16.7 million signing bonus. Professional contracts are supposed to be done so the team is paying for future performance and not rewarding past achievements, but Hackenberg deserves to get money for all the nonsense he's gone through.

2. He comes pre-tenderized. A large part of the aforementioned nonsense was Hackenberg getting absolutely beat to hell while playing behind Penn State's raggedy ass offensive line. If Jeff Fisher views training quarterbacks like training horses -- and considering his track record, there's no reason to think he doesn't -- he'll love that Hackenberg comes into the NFL pre-broken. Most of his job is already done!

hacksack

3. He is occasionally very good. No really! Every once in a while when he's not running for his God forsaken life, Hackenberg was able to do things that made you remember that he does have some talent. If you see the talent flash once, you know it's there. And just imagine how much he could improve under the sparkling tutelage of the Rams offensive coaching staff.

Listen, Jeff. You don't have to take my advice. You've been the most milquetoast man in a league of milquetoast men since I was in fourth grade. But with your help, we can accomplish my dream of seeing Hackenberg get rich and then promptly out of the NFL within five years.

Make no mistake, this will go horribly. But the Rams seem pretty comfortable sticking with what they know, so let's get it.