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DAVID SHAW SPEAKS HARSH TRUTHS TO YOU PERSONALLY

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STOP LYING TO DAVE, YOU'RE NEVER FINISHING INFINITE JEST

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

It doesn't make sense for us to go hold a camp some place where there might be one person in the entire state that's eligible to get into Stanford.

David Shaw has so many insults designed just for you, in your personal situation, because he is directly addressing you with every remark he makes. David Shaw believes you will never own a Ferrari, and that you will never likely run a forty yard dash in under five seconds. David Shaw would also like to point out that you, by the numbers, will never, ever be a millionaire, as this is a lot of money to amass on even a generous, high-margin salary.

You probably won't ever have that, and David Shaw wants you to know that, personally, about you.

Additionally, you probably won't write that novel. Very few people do. Your dreams of becoming vaguely famous, David Shaw would like you to know, are also very unlikely. Even if you commit a high-profile crime, that sense of fame would be fleeting at best, and most likely offset negatively by the prodigious legal costs incurred in the commission of that crime.

David Shaw would like you to let you know that you, personally, probably could not get into Stanford, or play football at Stanford even in your prime. That you could do both at any point is very, very unlikely, almost as unlikely as you ever learning to play that instrument gathering dust in the corner. You'll never finish that book. That one: The Master and Margarita, or Infinite Jest, or anything by Jonathan Franzen. Why did you want to read Jonathan Franzen anyway? If you wanted depressed Midwesterners sitting on their hands and contemplating the void, you could just attend the Rose Bowl and get some sun. You should and could do that, unless you're a Purdue fan. Purdue, it's not happening, ever again. David Shaw wants you to know this.

He's talking to you, personally, and means this personally. You'll never do it. Stop trying. It's not happening.

P.S. You're probably not losing that weight, either.  Very few people do. David Shaw has numbers and a few studies to back this up, and would be happy to provide you with them if you like. Because he's definitely talking to you, and your tender feelings at all times.