WAYS MICHIGAN CAN STILL USE SATELLITE CAMPS

1. Talented Mr. Ripley an SEC coach

2. Conceal under title "Purdue Recruiting Camp"

3. Retitle as "Hang out with Jim Harbaugh and a football, no pressure, just a hang, it's not a big deal, it's cool"

4. Seasteading

5. Retitle as "Lucrative NCAA-sponsored Basketball Tournament," sell rights to CBS, break into two weeks of action and televise with highly profitable ads sold against it. Profits need not be shared with players, and should be shared directly with NCAA.

6. Build series of Dave and Buster's-style restaurants in Texas, California, Florida, and other fertile recruiting hotbeds. Oh look a forty yard dash machine--

7. Aircraft carrier. Double profits by selling combo historical cruises/football camps to history-obsessed Michigan dads. (Jane, Michigan grad: "I WOULD DO THIS RIGHT NOW." We know.)

8. Tom Brady Modeling Camp. With special guests Gisele and Jim Harbaugh, who was on "Saved by the Bell" once. Poses include "catching ball," "throwing ball," and "running pass skeleton." Special emphasis placed on male plus-size modeling prospects. Don't be afraid to show off your masculine curves in a three-point stance!

9. Test prospects by first having them evaluated by Michigan minor league team "The Miami Dolphins"

10. New Disneyworld ride, "The Michigan Difference." Come experience cold winters, hot summers, a hysterical fanbase and a complete lack of sanity!

11. Just hang out outside the door of Alabama's camp and offer them a dollar more

12. A sparkling new Denny's located next to your school, except before you get the grand slam, you have to do a few things first, like run a forty and find the MIKE

13. A literal satellite. Because: Space, bitches.