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Tim Beckman judges a TV cooking competition

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How did he get on this show? Don't ask questions, you're just trying to hurt the program.

Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports

The first chef approaches the judge's table.

Good evening judges. I've prepared roasted squab with squash and a green pea puree. Enjoy.

The judges thoughtfully take a few bites.

Judge 1: Chef, I have to tip my hat to you. The squab was cooked perfectly, and that is not difficult to do, especially in a setting like this. It wasn't overdone at all, but the skin had a very nice and satisfying crispness.

Judge 2: I thought the squash brought a really nice earthiness to the dish and paired nicely with the squab. I think it could've used a little more seasoning across the board, but overall, nicely done.

Beckman: ... The chicken was good.

Judge 1: Tim, it's not chicken.

Beckman: I thought the chicken showed a lot of resilience.

Everyone just kind of sits awkwardly for a few seconds.

Host: Okay, thank you Chef. Next!

The second chef brings three plates to the table.

Good evening, I made a steak tartare, served with crostini, tapenade, and a microgreen salad. Thank you.

Judge 2: I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. I was really looking forward to this when I heard you were making a tartare. The steak was underseasoned, though, and the crostinis reminded me of something you'd get as an appetizer at a chain. Love the concept, but the execution was lacking.

Judge 1: I agree, it just didn't come off for me. I thought your knife work was a little rough, as well. This dish requires such technique, and unfortunately, you just didn't bring enough here.

Beckman: I, uhh, can I ask a question?

Host: Yes, Coach?

Beckman: Why isn't my meat cooked?

Judge 1: It's a steak tartare. it's served raw.

Beckman: I think this could've really used the teamwork that can only be found when a hot grill tackles a juicy steak. Well done next time, please.

Chef: [extremely confused] I... You can't have this dish "well done".

Beckman: Appreciate that very much.

Again, everyone is really confused.

Host: Thank you. Next!

The third chef brings his plates to the table.

Good evening! I made a pan seared branzino, served over napa cabbage and spaetzle and a little dashi broth. Please enjoy.

Judge 1: I love the East meets West interplay here. The branzino is well cooked and well seasoned, and the cabbage and spaetzel play well together with the dashi. Really well done here. Really good texture all the way through the dish.

Judge 2: I could have used just a tiny bit of heat, but other than that, I echo my friend's sentiment here. I thought the broth was very warm and inviting, and gave the dish a nice base to build off.

Beckman: I think my fish still has the skin on it.

Chef: ...Yes, it does. That's the traditional way to serve it.

Beckman: I like to keep things multiple and give teams different looks, but this one's got me stumped. Also, it won't stop looking at me.

Host: I can assure you it's dead.

Beckman: Just like that poor cow you folks ate alive a few minutes ago?

Everyone looks extremely frustrated, as Beckman lifts up plate to closely inspect the table underneath.

Host: Alright, it's time to find out our judge's decision.

Beckman: The real winners are our young men, who thanklessly put in work every day to get better.

Judge 2: Hey, didn't you get fired like, a year ago?

Beckman: I liked the chicken best.