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THE GHOSTBUSTERS WAKE UP THE ECHOES

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CARMIKE, AMC, CINEMARK AND REGAL ALL OFFERED TO DISTRIBUTE THIS FILM, BUT INSTEAD, IT'S AIRING AT THAT FIVE-SCREEN THEATER BEHIND THE HOSPITAL

University of Notre Dame

The normally-placid Internet was abuzz this morning as the long-awaited trailer was released for Ghostbusters, the sequel/reboot to the universally-beloved 1989 film Ghostbusters II. The film features Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon as a new team of paranormal adventurers, and producers hope to give the familiar brand a fresh face and new life.

You didn't think they'd stop there, though, did you? By the time The Force Awakens was released, there were already 18 new Star Wars movies in production. When you revive a franchise in this day and age, there are no half-measures. So, naturally, there will be other Ghostbusters stories to tell, too. While all the films to date have been set in New York City, we've received an advance copy of a sequel that finds the new team on a mission in Middle America...

GHOSTBUSTERS: WAKE UP THE ECHOES

Scene: the bucolic campus of Notre Dame University in South Bend, Indiana

THE REVEREND JOHN I. JENKINS, University President: Thank goodness you came. I didn't know who else I could call, but we have to do something.

ERIN GILB-you know what it's gonna be super confusing if I use the character names so KRISTEN WIIG: What are we dealing with here, Reverend?

JENKINS: These... these things have been swirling around this school for decades, but it's become unbearable. They present a genuine threat to the institution.

MELISSA MCCARTHY: Ghosts, you mean, professor?

JENKINS: It's worse than that. Please, come in here with me.

They step inside the athletic department facility.

FLOATING APPARITION: we are a class ahead of other institutions

SWIRLING PHANTASM: we hold our athletes to the highest academic standards

SHIMMERING MIRAGE: no one has the tradition that we doooooooo

LOU HOLTZ: I think the playoff committee isth gonna recognithe the sthrength of sthchedule thith team playth

LESLIE JONES: OH SHIT THAT LAST ONE IS MELTING

Jones grabs a vase and hurls it at the wraith-like figure, but he disappears in a puff of smoke

JENKINS: You see, we're haunted by expectations.

KATE MCKINNON, in an accent that sounds suspiciously like Angela Merkel: You had us come all ze way to Indiana for zees? POPPYCOCK.

WIIG: Now, now, let's hear the Reverend out, and try to understand this.

MCCARTHY: Also it's really cheap to film in Indiana. I've shot three hastily-repurposed Chris Farley scripts since we got here.

WIIG: Reverend, this isn't the sort of thing we're used to dealing with, we normally expunge the ghosts of murderers and lowlifes and demons from hell, you know...New York things.

MCKINNON: Ve vonce freed a man from servitude to the devil!

JONES: What is Schiano up to these days? I haven't talked to him since.

JENKINS: Ladies, you have to understand me, these things - these echoes - are every bit as dangerous as the monsters and demons you normally deal with.

GHASTLY MIRAGE: We should be competing for championships every year

SCREAMING BANSHEE: THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH NOTRE DAME

GUY FROM NEW YORK WHO'S NEVER BEEN WEST OF NEW JERSEY: I love Notre Dame, lifelong fan.

BRIAN KELLY: Mornin', John.

JONES: A RED-FACED HELL DEMON RUN

Jones fires her proton pack at Kelly.

JENKINS: No, ma'am, no, that's our head football coach!

JONES: Oh. [annoyed] Sorry.

KELLY, brushing himself off, unhurt: Happens all the time.

JENKINS: You see, I'm trying to run a world-class university here. We have nationally-ranked business and philosophy programs. Our law school is in the Top 20. Our highly-respected architecture program is one of the last remaining bastions of classical design education.

GUY FROM NEW YORK, WHO FLUNKED OUT OF SUNY-GENESEO: We got the highest f'in standards in America, yo!

JENKINS, sighing: And yet we're expected to field athletic programs competitive with institutions that don't have a fraction of these constraints! I'm trying to recruit students of the highest caliber nationally, but Johnny Hotdogs over here is furious that we're not winning national championships! Our reputation is based on success in a very different world. We were a national brand in the 1940s, when there weren't many others! No one's expecting Army or Navy to be winning titles now, but we get no such grace!

MCKINNON: [lost interest about five minutes ago and has just been making googly-eyed faces at the camera]

JENKINS: Look at what I'm competing with. Florida State is an elaborate real-estate scheme. Auburn hasn't held classes in the last 10 years. The State of Ohio is a North Korean death cult. My goodness, Alabama played a stolen military robot at halfback last year.

JENKINS, exasperated: We thought that the Willingham and Weis eras would finally free us from this monstrous curse. We thought the echoes would just - give up! They would float away and darken other doorways, worry themselves about the Yankees or Steelers instead. But we made a mistake! We hired a decent football coach, and set back the exorcism years. We make one title game when Ohio State's on a bowl ban, and suddenly the haunting's worse than ever!

FLICKERING SHADOW THAT LOOKS LIKE AN EGG: I love my Irish, I'm Irish too, go Irish, gonna win it all this year, losers

JENKINS: I simply don't know what to do to shake this curse.

JONES: You could burn down the university.

MCCARTHY: We could trap as many of them as we can and hope it settles down.

WIIG: Let's go back to Leslie's idea.

MCKINNON, wandering back into the shot: You all have it wrong. You see, vat ve have to do here is defeat the beast vere it lives. You are haunted by expectations, you say. You must feed the expectations of another. The expectations demand a strong host. To vin, you must find another who demands unreasonable success. You must give it a taste of that success. Zen and only zen, you vill allow the demons to leave you for another.

WIIG: Kate, that's preposterous. Where are we going to find another host as demanding, and how could we build their expectations?

MCKINNON: [has lost interest again, is trying on silly hats]

JENKINS: No, no - she's got it. I think we might have just the thing. My god, that's it! You've saved us!