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EXPLAINER: HOW BOOZE & FLORIDA FOOTBALL WON'T WORK

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YOUR POLICIES, THEY ASSUME SO MANY BAD THINGS, FLORIDA

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Alcohol is coming to Florida Field. No, this alcohol will not come preloaded into the bloodstream of a soon-to-be-very-dehydrated 19 year old, nor oozing from the pores of a tipsy Bull Gator. After years of insisting it was impossible, Florida will sell alcohol in premium seating at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

It is a doomed policy, of course. The logic here is that those who can afford premium seating at a Gators game will be older and more mature, not the sort of people who will overindulge and cause problems. It is based on one fundamental flaw: that age correlates to responsibility in the state of Florida.

It does not. The Villages, Florida's largest retirement community, is notorious for being a den of iniquity and wanton vice. Senior citizens in Florida routinely attempt to torpedo even the measliest proposed tax increases for school spending because they are done with life, and do not care if you just starting. These two men, convicted in 2015 of having A BRICK FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER? Both are over fifty. Senior citizens make up a fifth of Florida's state inmate population, and that's not including the 82 year old man caught slashing a woman's tires for taking his parking spot at the bingo hall.

Even this only looks like police raided a mahjong game out of a distorted, perverse understanding of appropriate force relative to the crime. Do not believe the media here. These women were gambling for souls, and most likely had styrofoam coolers full of human organs under the table.

What we're saying is that selling to premium seating only does not contain alcohol. It only creates a class of one-day-only bootleggers, Little Joe Kennedys in every seat pushing beer and liquor down into the cheap seats at a hefty markup. Maybe that was the policy's intent all along-- "It's like StubHub, but for beer!" -- but that's not really the point. The point is that the line between incompetence and outright fraud doesn't even really exist at Florida, and also that this would have been really, really useful during the Will Muschamp era.* You owe us drinks, Florida football. You owe us so, so many drinks.

*South Carolina starts sales next week. BOOK IT.