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BATMAN V. SUPERFANS

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DAWN OF BUCKNUTS

[SCENE: The immediate aftermath of the events in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice]

ALFRED PENNYWORTH: Well, that was quite a plot that we just had, Master Wayne.

BRUCE WAYNE: Yes. Yes, those were things that happened, and we will move on from further discussion of them. Now to just kick back, relax, and brood in the dark for whi-

[Bat-Signal appears in sky]

BRUCE: [grudgingly pulling on bat-suit again] a burly Batman's work is never done

ALFRED: I'll put your taquitos in the fridge, Master Wayne

[later, on the roof of Gotham Police Headquarters]

BATMAN: What is it now, Commissioner? We've just gotten past the events of the last period in our lives, which I won't further elaborate on here, as I think we're all aware of the salient plot points.

COMMISSIONER JAMES GORDON: There's a new threat to Gotham, Batman. An insidious villain that threatens the city to its core.

BATMAN: Who is it? The Joker?

GORDON: No.

BATMAN: The Riddler?

GORDON: No.

BATMAN: The Penguin? Ra's al Ghul? The Scarecrow?

GORDON: None of them.

BATMAN: Calendar Man? The Killer Moth? Cluemaster? The Clock King? Owl-Man? The Ratcatcher?

GORDON: Please stop reading the "list of Batman villains" Wikipedia, we can't remind people how dumb the DC Comics are. We're trying to build a cinematic universe here. But no, it's a group far worse than any of those.

BATMAN, incredulously: Worse than Calendar Man, who is known for committing crimes that correspond with holidays and significant dates!?

GORDON, ruefully: Much worse.

[Gordon presents Batman with an envelope full of surveillance photos]

BATMAN: [throws up over side of building] Dammit Jim, you could've warned me!

GORDON: They're called the Buck-Nuts. A stateless band of unhinged monsters with no restraint, no remorse, and absolutely no shame.

FAINT VOICE FROM STREET BELOW: what the hell man

BATMAN: What do they want with Gotham?

GORDON: They're loosely affiliated with a larger syndicate that's moved into town, "The Big Ten." From all outside appearances, they're a legitimate business conglomerate, but they've got shadowy hidden operations outside any legal control.

BATMAN, nodding: like I have with Wayne Enterprises

GORDON: what

BATMAN: nothing

GORDON: This "Big Ten" has just entered an arrangement with Gotham University, which means these characters will be in town a lot more often.

BATMAN: But why GU? We have no sustained history of athletic success.

GORDON: The television dollars, Batman! Gotham's a massive city with millions of viewers, and that means money. Do you have any idea how high TV viewership was when we were all locked in Gotham for months by Bane?

BATMAN: was that canon to this storyline I haven't even checked

GORDON: it's all about the eyeballs!

BATMAN: Because if it is canon then that means our stadium got blown up, I'd think that facilities would be a sticking point for a large conference

GORDON, exasperated: It doesn't have to make sense, Batman! Hell, the Big 12 is considering UConn!

BATMAN: well, in 2014 both the men's and women's basketball teams did win the-

GORDON: We need to stop these monsters before it's too late, Bruce.

BATMAN: did you just call me Bruce

GORDON: yeah dude c'mon who else in this crappy city is rich enough for all this shit and you both look like the guy from Jersey Girl we all know it's you. Anyways, you need to get to work.

[that Saturday, at the live College Gameday shoot on Gotham University's quad]

CORSO: I tell you what - Baylor may look like a contender this year, but they're like Harvey Dent, my friends - only good on one side

VOICE FROM CROWD: too soon

RECE DAVIS: Now let's talk about today's marquee matchup, the Gotham Knights versus the Ohio State Buckeyes.

SUPERFAN #1 hell no I'm not looking up their names: WOOOO

KIRK HERBSTREIT: They've struggled early on to find their rhythm, but I think the Buckeyes win this one in a walk, Rece. Gotham's too young, too soft on defense, and a large portion of their citizenry has been killed in various horrific and spectacular incidents in recent years.

SUPERFAN #2 seriously I don't care what he calls himself: WOOOO

DESMOND HOWARD: I have to agree with you, Kirk. Gotham's looking to establish itself in a new conference, but it's going to take some tough recruiting to match the step up in competition. For one, they can't be losing in-state stars anymore. To do that, they need recruits to know that the coaching situation is going to be stable for the next four years, and that the city won't be blown up by a madman. I'm not sure if they can do that.

SUPERFAN #3, who goes by Buckeyeman, I did have to look that one up and I'm using it because it's just stupid enough to be the name of an actual DC Universe villain, I love you DC but you suck: WOOOOOOO

BATMAN, who's been conspicuously standing in the crowd the whole time but no one noticed because it's Gameday: get out of my town

SUPERFANS: WOOOOO

BATMAN: you're making this all about yourselves

SUPERFANS: WOOOOO

BATMAN: Your own fanbase reviles you. You ruin the viewing experience for millions of devoted fans. You make fellow fans look like clownish goons by association.

SUPERFANS: WOOOOO

BATMAN: did you even go to Ohio State

SUPERFANS: WOOOOO

BATMAN: I'm going to need a new plan.

[back on the roof of Gotham Police Headquarters that night]

[despite the clear talent disparity, Ohio State let Gotham hang around until the 4th quarter, eventually pulling out a 34-27 victory that shouldn't have been that nerve-wracking to watch]

BATMAN: I underestimated them, Jim. I thought I could reason with them...useless. I thought I could scare them...futile. I thought I could beat the crap out of them...their Midwestern frames are near-invincible. It was like punching a concrete wall made of pierogi and breakfast sausage. We've opened a door and I'm not sure we can close it again. Gotham might be lost.

GORDON: There might be another way. You know how in Dawn of Justice, you eventually teamed up with a bitter rival to defeat a greater threat to your common good?

BATMAN: I didn't actually see it, is that what happened?

GORDON: I'm just assuming, I didn't see it either

BATMAN: It looked really bad

GORDON: Anyways, what I'm suggesting: there might be another one who can stop them. In fact, he might be the only one who can stop them. An old nemesis of yours. Cold-hearted, steel-eyed and absolutely merciless. And we've got him waiting in Arkham.

BATMAN: you're not suggesting-

GORDON: I am. You're going to need to team up with Sour-Man.