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BUCKEYE BEEF: A LOOK BACK

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GENE SMITH ISN'T THE FIRST TO GET EGG ON HIS FACE FROM NEW TECHNOLOGY

Yesterday, Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith finished the day with a bit of egg on his face, after his offhand comments about a rival went viral:

Okay, that's a decent zing, some respectable shade thrown toward an archenemy that's struggled against you in recent years. And that'll certainly be the end of it, because said rival isn't coached by an insane person.

Ohh, Gene. What sayeth you to the clapback, sir? Do you yield?

Yep, that's a man who knows he's lost this round. It's understandable you're not going to win a Twitter beef, Gene. Harbaugh's younger than you, tech-savvy, and might even be one of the early-model Terminators that Kyle Reese said weren't lifelike enough. But take heart: you're not the first Buckeye to be tripped up by technology. In fact, I can almost see it now...

[dream sequence fade-in that lasts long enough for you to hopefully not realize how much of a reach this is or to at least cut me some slack because it's freaking March]

SCENE: The City National Bank in Columbus, Ohio, about 1972. It's closing time.

WOODY HAYES: [rattles locked door handle] What in the sam hell is going on here?

BANK TELLER, who's just finished locking up: Oh, sorry, sir. We close at 5pm.

HAYES: Do you have any goddamned idea who I am, son?

TELLER: Yes, Mr. Hayes. You spoke to my elementary school when I was a child. It's hard to forget a two-hour speech on why we should nuke Korea when you're eight.

HAYES: I wasn't wrong and we can still do it. Now, snap to it son, I need to withdraw money from my account.

TELLER: I'm sorry, Mr. Hayes, but the vault is locked and everyone's gone home. You can use our Automated Teller Machine, though.

HAYES: Are you on drugs, son? [shines flashlight in his eyes] It's those damn Allman Brothers, isn't it?

TELLER: No, sir, I'm talking about that machine [points]. You can withdraw cash from it at any time!

HAYES: YOU'RE LEAVING MY MONEY OUT HERE IN THE LOBBY? What kinda Commie crap is this?

TELLER: I have to go, sir. Use the machine or don't. [hurries to his car]

HAYES: Well goldangit what's this country coming to? A hardworking man spends all day throwing water bottles at teenagers' heads and he can't get some damned cash to take the wife to dinner after? Now I'm supposed to talk to some damn robot. [slaps machine] You there! LOOK ALIVE, BOB MAY.

ATM: [please insert card]

HAYES: You're not asking me for things, punk. I'm calling the shots here. Now give me $100.

ATM: [please insert card]

HAYES: I should have your ass running stairs for this insolent crap, Flash Gordon. Fine, you want my card? HERE.

ATM: [card not recognized]

HAYES: Oh, I bet you don't recognize that, Neil Young. It's my draft card. Yeah, I'm sixty years old, so what? Called in a favor with my congressman. I want my shot in 'Nam, but it's just like the Rose Bowl: sometimes you gotta wait your turn. Now quit sassin' me and put out some money.

ATM: [card not recogni-]

HAYES: [punches machine very hard]

ATM: [Hello Mr. Hayes. Please select a withdrawl amount in multiples of $10 or $20]

HAYES: I don't withdraw from anything, son, and I don't spend ten dollar bills. A man who loses a gunfight isn't worth the gold behind him.

ATM: [the gold standard ended two years ago Mr. Hayes]

HAYES: For you, maybe. I made more calls. Nixon keeps mine in his desk drawer. Now gimme two $50 bills. Grant, now there's a fine Ohioan. Won in the South and died penniless. Gotta respect a man who leaves it all on the field.

ATM: [insufficient funds]

[the next day, on the Ohio State practice fields]

GEORGE CHAUMP: Woody, is that a refrigerator you've got lined up at left guard?

HAYES: Never seen anyone take a hit as well as that contraption. Think I might make him captain.