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LIVE FROM #SXSWVU

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BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BIG 12, YOU DO WHAT AUSTIN DOES

NASA.gov

[SCENE: outside a warehouse in a quiet industrial area on the outskirts of Austin, TX]

TECH REPORTER: This doesn't look right. Are you sure this is the place?

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: The shuttle driver said this is where he was paid to take us. Did something seem a little - off? - about him? Like he wasn't telling us the whole story?

MUSIC REVIEWER: I've got a bad feeling about this, I'm gonna request an Uber and get us out of h-

[roll gate flies up]

DANA HOLGORSEN, vibrating visibly: HEY ALRIGHT GREAT THE CALVARY'S HERE, COME ON IN YOU GUYS, WELCOME TO SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST, THE NATION'S PREMIER FESTIVAL OF COMPUTERS AND FOOD TRUCKS OR SOME SHIT

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: Um...

TECH REPORTER: Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude, but you're not exactly what we were expecting. Are you sure that this is South by Southwest, the set of film, interactive media, and music festivals and conferences put on annually in Austin by SXSW, Inc?

HOLGORSEN: OH I GET IT YOU DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE A TECH GUY, WELL I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M [glances down at phone with Google search visible for "rich nerds"] STEVE JOBS.

MUSIC REVIEWER: Sir, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple Computers, died in 2011.

HOLGORSEN: OH HELL I'VE DIED PLENTY OF TIMES. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TOO GOOD A WEEKEND. SOMETIMES HER HUSBAND COMES HOME EARLY, SOMETIMES YOU REALIZE YOU HAVEN'T FILED TAXES IN A DECADE. LOTS OF GOOD REASONS TO CLOCK OUT, AND NOTHING ENOUGH ENERGY DRINK CAN'T BRING YOU BACK FROM. Y'ALL TRIED THIS STUFF? BUDDY BROUGHT IT BACK FROM THE GULF WAR.

[Holgorsen brandishes a can of Wild Tiger, chugs it, and visibly calms]

HOLGORSEN: Whew, that takes the edge off. Hope I didn't come off a little strong there. I get so excited to spread the word about motherboards or whatever. C'mon, take your shoes off, come on in. [eyes narrow] You have to tell me if you're cops.

[they reluctantly follow into the warehouse]

TECH REPORTER: You're telling us that this is an official outpost of the SXSW festival, but I'm just not seeing any of the things we came down here for.

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: We're all down here on big media conglomerates' expense accounts, and we're supposed to go to some panel discussions and concerts and take a bunch of Instagrams of each other and food and just hope no one ruins our blogs while we're gone.

MUSIC REVIEWER: Do you even have a taco truck?

HOLGORSEN: [whips a bag of still-frozen pizza rolls at the reviewer] go nuts, hoss, there's an old pickup in the alley you can eat them in. And yeah, we got all that other crap, too. You want panel discussions? Buddy, we've got more panels than my basement ruckus room. Check out the day's agenda! [hands them fliers]

0700: When The Cable Guy Leaves His Truck Unattended, These Are The Parts To Take

0800: Burner Phones And The Places That Take Cash For Them

0900: If I Die, Throw This Suitcase Into The Ocean And Don't Ask Any More Questions

1000: How To Activate Gift Cards If The Store "Forgot"

1100: Man Did Y'All Know About Private Browsing, I Just Found Out

1200: I Have To Go See A Guy About A Thing For A Couple Hours, Just Hang Tight, I'll Be Back, But Remember What I Said About The Stuicase

1430: Can Any Of You Nerds Unlock This iPhone

1500: Teach Kids To Bet With Neko Atsume

1515: Hustling Kids' Money In Neko Atsume

1600: Chris Kluwe For Some Reason

TECH REPORTER: This really isn't that different from the actual festival, if we're being real about it.

MUSIC REVIEWER [through mouthful of frozen pizza rolls]: But what about the concerts?

HOLGORSEN: We can make that happen. There's a whole stack of Uncle Kracker CDs in the corner, keep busy with those, and a buddy of mine knows a guy who's due a favor from the bodyguard of [conspiratorial whisper] Uncle Kracker.

MUSIC REVIEWER: There are other musicians than Uncle Kracker, Mr. Jobs.

HOLGORSEN: You wanna find out when the sun goes down, smart-ass?

MUSIC REVIEWER: Is that an Uncle Kracker reference, because I don't think you should expect people to pick up on that in 2016.

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: Look, can you just give us our shoes back and let us go? We're going to get an Uber back into town and see if we can still catch some of the real festival. I don't understand what your purpose is in staging this whole charade.

HOLGORSEN: I... I'm sorry, fellas. I'm in over my head here. I signed up to coach a team in the Big East. It was a pretty sweet gig, I could go to Ybor City and Churchill Downs and Mohegan Sun on my road trips. Then they threw me into the Big 12, and my record's just not holding up and they're saying I might be a lame duck this year. I got too many people comin' after me to lose this job.

LIFESTYLE REPORTER: That doesn't explain why you staged a ripoff of South by Southwest, though.

HOLGORSEN: Nobody sued Iowa State for knocking off Texas, so I figured I was golden.