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BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE NCAA BRACKET LEAK

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THE REAL STORY OF THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY LAST TWENTYISH HOURS

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Unless you're a broadcast television purist (and, if you are, what the hell are you doing here), you did not have to wait the full two hours CBS had planned to learn the contents of this year's tournament bracket. While the NCAA promises to investigate this breach, we decided to take matters into our own hands. Below is a transcript of the communications between the conspirators who pulled this off, exclusively made available to you.

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VOICE 1: Oyster, have you breached the perimeter?

VOICE 2: Affirmative, Mama Shark.

VOICE: 1: Ok, Oyster, the mainframe is directly below you. Take care not to make contact with the floor; it's pressure sensitive and the mainframe will lock you out if that alarm is triggered.

VOICE 2: Ready to enter the password.

VOICE 1: P.

VOICE 2: P, confirmed.

VOICE 1: A.

VOICE 2: A, confirmed.

VOICE 1: S.

VOICE 2: Please tell me it's not "password."

VOICE 1: No, it's "passing touchdown." That's why Georgia didn't get in this year.

VOICE 2: Yeah, but Texas did.

VOICE 1: Look, security systems are imperfect. Do you have access to the bracket, Oyster?

VOICE 2: I do. So step one is to put in the decoy entries.

VOICE 1: Correct, Oyster. By putting in a couple of bubble teams most people thought didn't deserve to get in, we'll draw focus away from our true purpose. Start with Vanderbilt.

VOICE 2: Vanderbilt deployed. Mama Shark, should I give South Carolina a spot?

VOICE 1: Negative, Oyster. We need to start easing Gamecock fans into a steady state of outrage and disappointment if they're going to survive Will Muschamp's tenture. Put Tulsa in instead.

VOICE 2: Congrats, Frank Haith. You know I love any opportunity to piss off an SEC East fanbase.

VOICE 1: Oyster, you didn't even overlap with Missouri during your time at T-

VOICE 2: DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT NAME.

VOICE 1: Sorry, jeez. Ok, now put Michigan in but make sure it's in a play-in game.

VOICE 2: Why?

VOICE 1: Mostly I want to see those fans argue this is the basketball version of taking one more AP course than everyone else in your high school. We've uploaded the leak virus which will publish the bracket well ahead of schedule. You've got about ten seconds left to make the final change. Oyster, put Auburn basketball into the tournament.

VOICE 2: Uh, Mama Shark, I have a question about those pressure sensors.

VOICE 1: Go ahead.

VOICE 2: Does it respond to sweat?

VOICE 1: Well, a normal human's perspiration shouldn't be enough to trigger it.

VOICE 2: Shit.