ALABAMA: The perfect spouse. So perfect others get envious, which you get, you really do, because they support you in every imaginable way. Right? Compared to your friends in their loveless and troubled marriages, you really are lucky because you don't need much else other than them, which is why you're up at 4 am packing this tailgate lunch, and why you liquidated the college fund for season tickets. You know: the one you saved so hard for, but no, no, it's all worth it. You don't need other hobbies! You used to have them, sure, along with other dreams. What were those, you ask, caressing the frame of the Nick Saban portrait in your living room and thinking how handsome he is, and how lucky you are, and how this is where that painting you made once hung all those years before you met him. You used to paint.
What were those dreams. Who had them.
ARKANSAS: There are times you think about splitting up, but you've got far too much dirt on each another and are fully aware you'd both fight dirty as hell in a divorce proceeding.
AUBURN: The spouse who buys you a Lexus with the ribbon on top, just like in the commercials, and takes you out to an ironically humble meal. (Waffle House. Just pulling one out of the air here.) The next day, you go to church, and you reflect on how blessed you truly are, and what a beautiful spouse you have chosen. Early the next morning, the Lexus is repossessed out of the driveway. Your spouse has fled to Venezuela with the money. (Again.)
FLORIDA: You feel bad saying it, but this worked a lot better when you were both doing a lot of drugs.
GEORGIA: They look so good and act so nice at the start of the party, every time. But you know it ends with them falling into the pool drunk off their ass with their cellphone in their pocket. (Again.)
KENTUCKY: A marriage based on the most solid of foundations - ignoring your own problems to talk tremendous shit about your brother and his wife, who you both hate and openly disparage as trashy at any and every opportunity even though they only live like an hour away and other people think they're mostly fine.
LSU: Regulations prevented you from even fraternizing with an inmate; when the Warden called you into his office, you were sure it would be your last day on the job. But then he handed you two things: a small but respectable diamond ring and a stun gun. And you've never looked back.
MISSISSIPPI: Determined and devoted spouse to a minister facing tax evasion charges.
MISSISSIPPI STATE: Considering testifying against your spouse, a different minister facing tax evasion charges.
MISSOURI: There's an old joke about the soldier dying on the battlefield who says "If you see my wife, tell her...hello." That. That whole thing right there.
SOUTH CAROLINA: [plays Merle Haggard's "If we make it through December" while mouthing the words "YOU WON'T" and shaking head side to side vigorously]
TENNESSEE: Yours is a forward-looking marriage, full of promise and new adventure. Sure, it didn't work out when he said he was going to get certified as a massage therapist. Sure, he lost ten grand when he tried to run a teeth bleaching operation out of the garage. Sure, he gave himself that forehead scar so he could get work as a Harry Potter birthday entertainer even though none of the parents were cool with him smoking to "ward off Lord Skoaldemort." He's a dreamer, full of plans that you believe in despite all evidence to the contrary.
TEXAS A&M: Is it really Stockholm syndrome if you wanted to be kidnapped?
VANDERBILT: At some point, you'll admit that you're working extra hours at the office to avoid seeing your spouse. Just not today.