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LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS DUDE WHO THREW AN ALLIGATOR INTO A WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU

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CARL HIAASEN UNDERSTANDS YOUR BRAIN, BUDDY

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A terrifying number of people have been simultaneously a) in the state of Florida and b) 23 years old. Individually, these are two of the most dangerous things you can be, to others and yourself. 23 means you are old enough to have some basic planning skills but not so old that you have any actual fear of long-term consequences. You have the false confidence that comes with the belief that graduating college has given you valuable life skills and wisdom, when in reality you're just the best at Jeopardy! that you'll ever be.

Florida means access. Access to what? Weapons, including antique muskets and scimitars and whatever, probably at a Goodwill. Drugs, of course. Basically any vehicle; somebody in Florida has likely ordered a custom golf cart that has a flamethrower on the roof. (Seriously, if you're slow on the course, let others play through.) Oh, and animals.

So you take being 23 and all the fearless idiocy that comes with it, and you mix it with Florida's natural bounty of things that will kill you. What do you get?

Joshua James, the dude who pulled up to a Wendy's, took his drink from the drive-thru window, and then paid for it with a THREE AND A HALF FOOT ALLIGATOR HE THREW INTO THE RESTAURANT FROM HIS CAR.

Undoubtedly, you have questions. Let's try to address some of them.

Q. Surely James must have been seeking revenge against some slight he'd suffered, either at the hands of a particular Wendy's employee working that night or from the company as a whole.

A. Nope! According to his parents, this was a prank. You may be familiar with the "fire in the hole" prank, in which shitty white dudes with bad facial hair order a soda from a drive-thru, receive it, and then throw it back through the window of the restaurant, where it explodes all over the unsuspecting workers. It's very funny because (file not found).

What do you do when something is played out? Up the theatrics! Replace the soda with an alligator. No, the alligator won't burst into a million pieces when it hits the Wendy's floor. But it'll still be hilarious because (file still not found).

Q. Was this alligator his pet or something?

A. Go back to what I said about Florida, the petty criminal's cornucopia. Mr. James found this alligator on the side of the road and just decided to take it with him. Florida is a place where you can just find alligators hanging out on the side of the road, and you take them because living there is like a really fucked up King's Quest game. You may need this alligator to bribe an insurance adjustor later on. He plans to give it to his wife as an anniversary present.

Q. If this happened in October, how did James get caught recently?

A. Because he paid for his soda with a credit card. The international banking system may have many flaws, but it does allow us to track down those who are too dumb to pay with cash right before they heave a wild animal at a stranger. Personally, I think using a credit card to pay for a soda should be a charge by itself. This man is likely a nightmare to be in line behind at the grocery store.

Q. What happened to the alligator?

A. It was released into a nearby canal. Just because Joshua James couldn't find a societally beneficial use for the animal doesn't mean someone else won't one day. Watch that alligator wind up managing the Miami Marlins in 2023! He'll get fired after 76 games when it's revealed he's selling painkillers to his players, but, still, respect what it took for him to climb that ladder in the first place. (Given the lack of arms and such.)