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CONGRATULATIONS TO SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS TEXAS A&M

GIG 'EM, YOU SASSY FARMERS

By Spencer Hall
Bob Levey/Getty Images

Texas A&M won the Super Bowl, so congratulations, Aggies. In an otherwise rough year for the program, pulling out the NFL championship is quite an accomplishment. At long last, the joke has become real: the team that won the NFL title only finished fifth in the SEC West. Why not Alabama, you ask? We can't draw the lines from A to B precisely, but let's just assume it had something to do with Arkansas beating Ole Miss in OT.

How did A&M get here? We're so glad you asked.

1. Von Miller is a chicken farmer and Super Bowl MVP. No better choice for MVP for Texas A&M here, since Von Miller embodies so much of essential Aggieness. He majored in poultry science, and currently owns a functioning chicken coop larger than most of your homes. He has a tattoo of Pac-Man eating chicken and watermelon on his leg, wears boxy old-school plumber's apprentice specs off the field, and yes, has a gigantic furry hat he totes around Denver like a pet. He's smart and weird and has definite, arguable, and passionately held opinions on livestock. This is peak Aggie and we respect it deeply.

2. This was an unwatchable defensive struggle. More Classic Slocum Aggie than Revamped High-Octane Sumlin Aggie, but a game where the starting quarterback fails to to throw a TD is still something A&M fans with a memory can respect.

3. Everyone stayed in their seats for halftime. Nevermind what for THEY STILL STAYED AND THAT'S REAL TEXAS A&M OF THEM.

4. The game took place far from civilization. On one hand, that's deeply un-Texan to have a game that far away from the most basic of utilities. To wit: the closest Whataburger is 700 miles away in Goodyear, Arizona! Then again, being that far away from it all is frontier rancher-style football, and a definite win for the Aggies there.

5. Not a Longhorn in sight. The Broncos have an Aggie, a Red Raider, a player from Rice (practice squad, but still.) Their head coach played quarterback for Texas A&M, and their defensive coordinator was a linebacker for the University of Houston. What's not on the roster? That's correct, not a single Longhorn to be found. Not that they care. NOT THAT THEY CARE AT ALL OR GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM T-SIPS. But no, not one, if you're asking.

6. Presented without comment and shared during the Big Game itself.

So yeah, congrats to the Aggies on winning the Super Bowl. Baby steps to an SEC Championship, however you count them.