WHO WON SIGNING DAY?

1. Lids

New Lids employees are probably confused when a 6'4 high schooler comes in and starts looking at hats that don't fit any conceivable Venn diagram of sports fan. Who would be in the market for an Alabama hat and an Auburn hat and a Notre Dame hat? Nobody likes all three of those teams! But the experienced people at Lids who have seen a Signing Day or two know this is going to be a great sale.

You're probably thinking these kids will return the hats of the schools to which they don't ultimately commit, but Lids knows this isn't true. Why? Because the parking in this mall is always terrible and a high school student has less than a 10% chance of holding on to a receipt for more than a week. His parents are just going to pass them off as unwanted gifts. Didn't you say you liked Miami once, Uncle Dave? No? Too bad, Merry Christmas.

2. Auditorium construction companies

Televised announcements that aren't hastily put together are usually held in grand architectural spaces, like the White House's East Room or the UN General Assembly. They're meant to signal the significance of the occasion and to show off the prestige of the speaker (or whoever they're speaking on behalf of).

But Signing Day doesn't take place in a notable government building or a cathedral or even a nice dining room. It's the day when the men and women who do construction's near minimum get to shine. Gaze upon this auditorium! It has concrete floors and plain walls and door big enough to get a lunch table through! And one retractable basketball hoop because the project ran out of money!

3. The God of the Abrahamic Faiths

Not every recruit thanks the Lord during his commitment, but a good number do. By comparison, who's out there thanking Zoroaster? How much love is Odin getting from the five stars? How many give credit to the embrace of scientific inquiry and freedom from the sexual tyranny of organized religion for their athletic accomplishments? Not one, Christopher Hitchens. Not ONE.

4. David Cutcliffe

I don't know where Duke finished in the recruiting rankings or if they got any major commitment who was expected to sign with a powerhouse or how well they filled their needs. What I do know is this:

8:27 a.m. -- Signing day is done for Duke. The two early enrollees and 19 letters from guys signing today are in

— Laura Keeley (@laurakeeley) February 3, 2016

While other coaches were huddled around a fax machine all day, David Cutcliffe was taking a nap on the porch and listening to old episodes of Car Talk.

5. Bulldog Truthers

I'm supposed to get excited about a linebacker who commits to Georgia by pulling a damn BOSTON TERRIER out of a box? How's he gonna read an offensive alignment if he can't even make basic breed differentiations? Might as well go to Auburn where they think eagles and tigers are in the same genus. This is an embarrassment and it's why I already think Kirby Smart's not meeting expectations.

6. Baseball

Oh wait, no they didn't, because they don't take the opportunity to hijack Signing Day by making it the first day teams can sign high schoolers to million dollar contracts. God, you're so dumb, Baseball.

7. Rental car fleet owners

Congratulations on all those three year leases you just got with a fourth year option courtesy of hard-charging boosters with more money than sense. Way, way steadier profit than even corporate rentals offer. (You will be obligated to claim any weed ever found in the glove compartment was yours, though. Business has its costs.) Bonus if you got to move a Chevy Aveo! It's all about keeping the inventory moving.