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THE HISTORY OF AN EXPLODING BUS

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AS TOLD BY YOUR ATHLETIC DIRECTOR

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

YOUR ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: After a rigorous nationwide interview process, I'm pleased to announce we've come to an agreement with a new coach for our football team, an exciting young up-and-comer who was definitely not our fifth choice because our athletic department's strapped for cash and he was the only one who'd take $350,000. Please join me in welcoming Coach Megabus!

YOUR ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: I think it'd be rash to overreact to this slow start. When we hired Coach Megabus, we knew this was going to be a long process, and not without unique challenges. It's understandable that ticketholders are frustrated with the lack of progress at this point, but I'm urging patience. We'll get this thing moving before you know it.

YOUR ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: Despite the program's struggles as of late, Coach Megabus has my full confidence. He's a natural leader, and his ability to hold the team together even when conditions are far from ideal. As a reflection of that confidence, we've decided to extend Coach Megabus's contract by three years.

YOUR ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: We've decide to part ways with Coach Megabus, with Coach Amtrak agreeing to take ovr his duties on an interim basis. I will not be taking questions at this time.