I'M COMING TO YOUR SCHOOL

It is with great pleasure that I can announce, in front of collected friends, family, coaches and local media today, that I am committing to play football for [YOUR SCHOOL].

Though I visited a number of schools, and I appreciate the interest and offers made from them, in end, my heart was always with [YOUR SCHOOL], and I'm excited to begin my career as a [YOUR MASCOT].

A number of factors affected my decision to play football for [YOUR SCHOOL]. The long tradition of excellence, including [DUBIOUSLY CLAIMED NATIONAL TITLE FROM THE PRE-WAR ERA], the high level of competition I will face in [CONFERENCE THAT WAS HASTILY REARRANGED FOR CABLE TV REASONS], and the winning formula that's been put in place by [COACH WHO WILL ONLY BE HERE FOR MY REDSHIRT YEAR BEFORE ACCEPTING OFFER ELSEWHERE]. I think [YOUR SCHOOL] offers me the best chance to play winning football, and pursue my dreams of making the NFL.

It's not just the on-field benefits of [YOUR SCHOOL], however. I was blown away visiting the campus. The scenery on [PART OF CAMPUS THAT I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE TRAINING FACILITIES]. The delicious local food, such as [IT DOESN'T MATTER, I'M GOING TO HAVE AN ASSISTANT COACH UP MY ASS ABOUT NUTRITION FROM DAY ONE] and the wonderful academics, allowing me to ensure a secure future for myself and my family with a degree in [A MADE-UP PROGRAM THE COACHING STAFF IS GOING TO FORCE ME INTO BECAUSE IT'S TAILORED AROUND PRACTICES AND ALSO ALL THE WEEKNIGHT GAMES OUR ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT AGREED TO IN ORDER TO INCREASE EXPOSURE, WHATEVER THAT'S WORTH TO ME].

And boy, you can't beat the fans at [YOUR SCHOOL]. From day one, they've shown me nothing but love, sending me messages of support such as [TWEET FROM A 65-YEAR-OLD GUY HOLDING A FISH TELLING ME HOW PRETTY THE GIRLS ARE HERE, WHICH IS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR MORE REASONS THAN I HAVE TIME FOR TODAY] and [TWEET FROM THAT GUY 10 MINUTES LATER TELLING ME "WE" CAN BE CHAMPIONS TOGETHER, BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S A DEFENSIVE END NOW] and [TWEET FROM THAT SAME GUY REMINDING ME I'LL DIE IN A GUTTER PENNILESS IF I COMMIT TO YOUR RIVAL]. It makes you feel like you're part of a family here, and Coach [THE GUY WHO'S LEAVING AFTER MY REDSHIRT YEAR] stresses that, we're all part of the [YOUR SCHOOL] family.

This is only the beginning. I've graduated early, so I'll be enrolling early enough to join practices, so I can work on [GETTING SCREAMED AT BY THE AFOREMENTIONED COACHES FOR NOT PUSHING MYSELF HARD ENOUGH ON A HUMID 100-DEGREE DAY, WHEN FOUR MONTHS AGO THEY TOLD MY MOM THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME] and [BEING TOLD I "JUST GOT (MY) BELL RUNG, SHAKE IT OFF"] and hoping I can see the field this fall in [YOUR COLLEGE TOWN].

Because that's where all of this will pay off, when I can get out on the field, in front of all these great fans, and [MAKE A COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE ERROR THAT WILL LEAD TO THE OLD FISH GUY CALLING ME NAMES I WOULDN'T CALL MY WORST ENEMY].

Go [YOUR MASCOT]s!