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A CONNECTICUT HUSKY IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT

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THE LONG-LOST MARK TWAIN CONFERENCE REALIGNMENT STORY

As has become an annual offseason tradition in college athletics, rumors have swirled this winter about the potential for power conferences to expand. This time around, many of those rumors have focused on the fate of American Conference member Connecticut. Many believe it could be a target for further eastward expansion of the beleaguered Big 12. SBNation's Indiana Hoosiers blog Crimson Quarry has gone so far as to endorse the Huskies for Big Ten membership. The combination of a prominent media market and the gamesmanship of conference competition mean nothing's off the table.

Our literary historians at Every Day Should Be Saturday, however, have recently uncovered a lost Mark Twain manuscript that foresees a different destination for the erstwhile Huskies...  [fade in]

A CONNECTICUT HUSKIE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT

TOTALLY BY MARK TWAIN AND DEFINITELY NOT A HAMFISTED FORGERY

[the Husky awakes from a slumber, underneath a tree]

HUSKY: ugh my head hurts, that was quite a hit I took. I really wish we'd stop scheduling games against BYU.

[a knight appears on horseback]

HUSKY: Rutgers again? I thought we were done with them.

KNIGHT: Verily, talking dog, thou art a devilish creation! Prepare to duel!

HUSKY: I'm not getting into it again with you, Rutgers. Do you know how much it costs to get hoagie stains out of your fur? I'm putting my dry-cleaner's kid through college. A good one, too. Not Rutgers.

KNIGHT: [draws lance] foul-speaking mongrel, I shall take you as prisoner to the King!

HUSKY: who, Delany? That jerk never answers my calls anyways. Take me to him!

[later, at the royal court]

ONLOOKER: by heavens, behold his clothe-things! What curiosities are these, and what manner of beast-man should he be that weareth them?

HUSKY: What, these? Look, I know Nike doesn't bat 1.000 with the alternates, but it could be way worse, y'know? At least it's not Adidas.

[the King enters, and the onlookers all drop to their knees]

KING: This sad-faced cur of a beast is an affront to my rule, his garb that of a madman! He shall be put to death in this, the year of our Lord, 528 AD.

HUSKY: Wait, it's 528 AD? So you really have no idea who I am, or what I know? You don't even know about the year 2014, when both the UConn men's and women's basketball teams won the natio-

KING: SILENCE

HUSKY: [pulls out smartphone to show him] no, look at the Wikipedia, it's right-

KING: SORCERER

JESTER: WIZARD

ONLOOKER: how does he have Wi-Fi, this part doesn't make sense

KNIGHT: A GOD AMONGST MEN YE BE

KING: THIS MAGICIAN SHALL BE MY NEW RIGHT HAND.

HUSKY: wow thanks yeah it's not even the newest model, but I'm not upgrade eligible for another month, so-

KING: You shall teach my people the wondrous things you know!

[later, the Husky teaches his futuristic ways to an enraptured audience of royal court members]

HUSKY: ...and we call it "New Haven-style pizza"

MINISTER: wow yeah clams and cheese, honestly that only sounds even kinda okay because we usually eat like, rotten hare and thistles and stuff

HUSKY: [pulling up clips of the 2014 NCAA title game] now, this is basketball. Not everyone in my time believes it, but it's actually the most important of our sports.

MINISTER: oh cool, yeah! It seems like you could earn a lot of gold playing this, it's fine entertainment.

HUSKY: actually no it's totally amateur we don't pay the players at all [winks]

MINISTER: Tell me of your kingdom! What magnificent edifices you must have constructed?

HUSKY: Oh, sure. [pulls up picture] Well, this is Hartford, and-

MINISTER: were you sacked by Visigoths, who did this to you

HUSKY: wait, I haven't even shown you the mall, settle down

MINISTER: now, this basketed balling you have demonstrated seems a fine occupation for the wintertime, but it be autumn now, and our young men desire a robust and physical outdoor competition! Perhaps one that would have better value in negotiating television contracts, should that be invented soon!

HUSKY: well, there is football, we did make that one Fiesta Bowl.

MINISTER: afoot-ball, you say? Show me this at once!

HUSKY: okay, well, here's some highlights of this year's game against Missouri, and-

[jump cut to the Husky about to be burnt at the stake]

HUSKY: oh hey man I didn't know you were here, too, what're you in for?

BEARCAT: tried to serve them chili

HUSKY: you deserve this