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THE FOOD SCIENTISTS HAVE WON

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I SURRENDER WITHOUT QUALIFICATION

Tim Boyle/Getty Images

This is the McDonald's Chicken McGriddle.

Dissected into parts, it contains:

- one maple syrup infused pancake bun
- one fried chicken patty
- a second maple syrup infused pancake bun

If this entices you, I have some bad news. For the time being, it's only available in a handful of Ohio-area locations. It is not a thing I have any desire to try, not because I look down my nose at McDonald's, but because I've never craved a pancake chicken sandwich, just as I've never wanted to try chicken rings from White Castle or the KFC Double Down or a pizza with tiny hot dogs for a crust.

In the past, I might have seen this new McDonald's item and railed against it, begging our fast food Victors Frankenstein to stop creating Bacon Queso-Stuft Monsters™. Instead, I choose to surrender. You win, culinary scientists. I accept that yours is the future, where bread is meat and meat is bread. You will find a way to make an ear of corn that has chicken nuggets for a pith. You'll unveil potato chips with flavors like "calzone" and "swirl soft-serve" and "Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich." Oreo's probably working on a jambalaya version as we speak, and when they release it, I will silently cringe.

But I won't say shit in opposition, because the truth is, you didn't make these foods for me. You made them for 22 year olds with the metabolism of a hummingbird, or for aspiring YouTube stars, or to give food bloggers something to talk about. These are worthwhile audiences, and me railing against your products won't change anything.

So get weird with it. Make an ice cream cone out of taco shell. Fill it with ground beef, cheese, lettuce, and sour cream. Call it the Drumsick and get J.J. Watt to endorse it. The sky is the limit. Go build the rocket that's going to put a giant onion ring around Saturn.