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ASSEMBLING AN IKEA DRESSER WITH THE 2015 CINCINNATI BEARCATS

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THEY SAY YOU SHOULD WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, AND I KNOW INDISCRIMINATE RAGE FOR SWEDES AND AZTECS

PRESEASON EXPECTATIONS:

You know what? I've got a good feeling about this dresser. The dimensions are perfect for the corner of our bedroom. We can stop trying to fit two adults' things in my old childhood dresser, and maybe we'll stop storing all of our sweaters on the back of a chair. It looks pretty nice, too! Sure, it's still IKEA, but you know, some of their pieces can look pretty nice! Yeah, you don't want a Tulane in the middle of your living room, but the Houstons and Memphises are pretty solid pieces.

Alright, let's open the box!

Week 1: Cincinnati 52, Alabama A&M 10

Great, we've got the box open! Gosh, this looks easy. I thought it might take all day, but it might only be an hour or two. Let's make pancakes.

Week 2: Temple 34, Cincinnati 26

Shit, I can't find the charger to my power drill. It's fine, there can't be that many screws in an eight-drawer dresser, can there? We'll be fine. I'll just go grab a screwdriver from my toolbox.

[from downstairs] why do I have eight hex screwdrivers and no Phillips??

Week 3: Cincinnati 37, Miami-Ohio 33

Whew, this could've been a disaster. Good thing you remembered that screwdriver in the trunk of the car. We might have had to abandon this whole thing.

Week 4: Memphis 53, Cincinnati 46

Oh goddamnit it's full of these things why did I agree to this I hate this

Week 5: Cincinnati 34, Miami-FL 23

We got the frame together and the top on! This is great! I think it's gonna look really nice! I take back all of the swearing I've done already! We're gonna make it after all!

That was like Step 7, how many steps are there?

Week 6: BYU 38, Cincinnati 24

THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE THIRTY EIGHT STEPS

Week 7: Cincinnati 37, Connecticut 13

Oh, it's just assembling the drawers. Okay, that won't be too bad.

Week 8: Cincinnati 52, Central Florida 7

See, look at that! I got the first drawer put together easily! We're gonna blow through the rest of the steps! It's smooth sailing from here on out! We just have to put the tracks on the outside of the drawers, that shouldn't be too hard.

Week 9: Houston 33, Cincinnati 30

Argh. Screwheads strip really easily on these things. Maybe we're just gonna have to be a little more methodical about this.

Week 10: Cincinnati 49, Tulsa 38

Great! The tracks are on! Sure, it's a little more of a hassle to put this together than some of their cheaper stuff, but you get the higher-quality components. I think it's worth it, and the cost-savings over pre-assembled furniture are huge. You don't need to be in a Power 5 conference to feel good about yourself, I say! Now, let's just slide this completed drawer into the frame, and...

Week 11: South Florida 65, Cincinnati 27

[crying on floor, covered in shreds of cardboard, tape, and flecks of Styrofoam] why don't the drawers fiiiiiiiit

Week 12: Cincinnati 19, East Carolina 16

[quietly, angrily putting the last of eight drawers into the frame] [it's 3am and neither of us have spoken a word to each other since 7pm]

December 24th: Hawai'i Bowl vs. San Diego State

"The diagram says we're supposed to screw it into the wall for safety now."

"Eff that, let's go to bed."