THE TACO BELL SKILL CHALLENGE IS INNACURATELY NAMED

Focus for the NBA's All-Star Weekend tends to fall on three events: the All-Star Game, the dunk contest, and the three point contest. There's also the celebrity game, and the Rising Stars game, and the D-League All-Star game, which are fine if ultimately easy to skip and catch highlights of after the fact should anything interesting happen. But the most disappointing event the NBA will put on this weekend is the Taco Bell Skills Challenge.

I don't have anything against dribbling, passing, layups, or shooting. These are all important basketball skills that I in no way posses. (That's not entirely true; I'll be the give to your go in a pinch.)

But: these are not TACO BELL SKILLS. A true Taco Bell Skills Challenge would consist of the following events.

1. Car Scarf. Participants are given one bean burrito, two soft tacos, and a Mexican pizza. They must eat all four items while driving two miles around a closed road course as quickly as they can.

2. The Jackson Stretch. Each participant is handed $20 and instructed to go to Taco Bell to order food for drunk Charles Barkley, drunk Jeff Van Gundy, and sober Shaq without being given any instructions as to what these three would like. They are then judged by this panel on economic efficiency, order variety, and satisfaction level delivered.

3. Packet Hunter. The participants have thirty seconds to locate as many hidden packets of Fire Sauce stashed throughout a 24 year old's Toyota Camry. Possible hiding places include the cup holders, glove compartment, floor, pockets behind the front seats, in that space where the seat belt fastener is, and somehow stuffed inside the airbag.

4. Chalupautopsy. One Taco Bell menu item is selected at random (sides and desserts excluded) and smashed into bits. The contestants have three guesses to determine which item they're eating.

5. Table Challenge. Contestants must see how long they can go minding their business and eating in the dining room of a college town Taco Bell at 2 in the morning without inadvertently getting drawn into a brawl.