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HATIN' ASS SPURRIER CLAIMS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

CAN'T SPELL SUN BOWL WITHOUT U N

By Spencer Hall

People give you shit, Germany, but I gotta say I can't blame 'em. We've all seen those movies.

France is a beautiful place that invented absurdity. Throw in not playing a lick of defense and a mess of Nobel Prizes and yeah: y'all are Cal football.

It's gotta be tough to be you, Mexico. You're the Indiana State that gets sanctioned for Indiana not being able to follow the rules.

Cuba is like Ole Miss. No one's supposed to go there, but it seems like everyone does anyway.

I have to give you credit, Greece, mostly because no one else will.

China likes the color red and has two hundred million unemployed people so I'll just call it Big Alabama.

Seems unfair to compare the Longhorn Network and the Korean Central News Agency. People watch KCNA.

Argentina's full of old Nazis so I figure y'all might like these Notre Dame tickets.

Based on your looks, Kazakhstan, you're in the Big Ten. Hope you like cinnamon rolls and chili.

Taiwan, I'm not supposed to admit you exist, so I'm gonna call you Boise State. We brought you a spot in the Fiesta Bowl in case you want it.

It's a pleasure to be in Ottawa today. It's cold, and barely anyone's here, but you're all nice and smart enough. On a related note, let me tell you a story about Boston College.

Spain, you remind me a lot of Purdue because everyone falls asleep from noon to three o'clock.

We gotta improve the communication infrastructure in Illinois. To have a coach fired and not have the capital hear about it for four months is unacceptable.

Someone in South Korea asked me to explain Alabama and Auburn and I told 'em, "Imagine if they had a BOGO sale on North Korea, but for football. It's pretty much that."

I'd call Pakistan and India the Texas and Texas A&M of global politics, but those two can at least schedule a game or two against each other without crying and walking off.

UConn, you're Antarctica since everybody else agreed not to claim you.

The ICC's only convicted two people in 13 years, which is what happens when you put Will Muschamp in charge of the docket.

I'd call FSU the Netherlands of football because most of their players stay below C-level.

There are five stars on the Honduran flag. Even they're outrecruiting Dan Mullen.

Just be warned: if Bret Bielema offers to show you the splendors of the Fertile Crescent, he ain't talking about Lebanon.

Jim Harbaugh's the Japanese: he fishes wherever he wants, pisses everyone of, and was mistreated on the West Coast for reasons that don't make any sense.

Given Florida's QB issues, I'm nominating them for a Nobel. Unilateral disarmament's an admirable thing to do.

The Miami program's been under water for years, and yet you deny that global warming's a reality.

Seems like every year we worry about the Iranian nuclear program but they never manage to do anything. Didn't even know Butch Jones spoke Farsi.