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LAST-MINUTE COACHING OPTIONS

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FOR THE PROCRASTINATING ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT

Wow, what a season of coaching changes it's been. After seeing some of the sport's highest-profile head coaching jobs change hands (LSU, Texas, Oregon, Purdue), the dust is starting to settle, and there's only a few jobs left to fill.

But what's that? You have an open head coaching job and you still haven't done your shopping? And the stores are closing and you're still at work?

Fear not. We've compiled a list of available, motivated, high-upside coaching candidates who are still available for two-day shipping before the recruiting blackout period starts.

THE CLOCK KING

Recently escaped from Arkham Asylum, this up-and-coming candidate runs a fast-paced, up-tempo offense that can invigorate your stagnant fanbase. Clock management issues tripped up your last coach for years? This guy "extensively uses clock and time related gimmicks to devastating effect."

EGGHEAD

Your recently-fired coach made some boneheaded in-game decisions. Sure, he was a solid recruiter, but when it came down to Xs, Os and strategy, he just couldn't hack it. You'll need someone who can put you at a decided schematic advantage in every game.

Enter the world's smartest criminal, who's egg-zactly the man for the job! Better sign that ten-year extension now!

THE GENTLEMAN GHOST

Though he was reliable at delivering 9- or 10- win seasons, your last guy never got the team truly over the hump, but aside from that, let's not beat around the bush: the fans and boosters thought he was kind of an ass. Boorish manners may win games, but they don't win hearts and minds. You need someone with a smoother demeanor, a gentler touch.

Enter Jim Craddock, the ghastly apparition of a 19th-century nobleman-turned-highway robber, who'll cast the whole program in a different light!

According to Wikipedia, he "is apparently unable to touch or be touched by virgins."

Uh... okay. Not sure what to do with that piece of information, but we appreciate you putting it out there. We'll get back to you.

ONE OF THESE OHIO STATE ASSISTANTS

Uh, let's see, there's Polo Shirt, Johnny Two Shirts, Background Khakis, and The Compression Sleeve Guy...

I just realized I made this exact joke in a similar post two months ago. Used the same image. One of these guys is about to be hired to coach my alma mater.

Anyways, it's Friday. Let's move on.

KITE MAN

He's been out of the game a while, and his bio states that "Charles 'Chuck' Brown is a man who armed himself with kite weapons to be used to commit crimes. He flies with a big kite strapped to him. He also uses a barrage of kites to overwhelm his enemies."

So... sort of a gimmick offense, I suppose, but if you're at a place without much of a recruiting base, it could be just the wrinkle you need. Or you could just keep Bob Diaco on another year. Kites. Bob Diaco. I'll leave you here to think about it.

PROFESSOR RADIUM

A true tactician out of the old-school mold, this scientist tried to gain immortality, but instead gained superpowers and eventually accidentally killed his girlfriend and went insane.

Look, I'm not saying he's a good candidate, but even Will Muschamp got another Power 5 job, so.

Yeah.

THIS NFL ASSISTANT

I literally don't even know who this guy is. He's had two interviews with your school, though, and the boosters are enamored with his experience.

Bet his name is like, Pete Mitchell, or Dave Wollburg. Wears the shit out of that headset.

BLOCKBUSTER

Will, we just talked about you. You're already coaching South Carolina. You even made a bowl game. Get out of here. C'mon, now, shoo.

THE CONDIMENT KING

Nothing to add here. Just, what the hell.

THE REINCARNATED BOY-KING

This notorious villain has left despair and dismay everywhere he's traveled. Once thought dead, he's spent recent years in the shadows of Gotham's greatest mastermind of terror, watching. Waiting. Preparing for his return.

C'mon. You know you want to do it, Mike Bohn. We all get fired eventually. Pick up the phone.