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GOOD MORNING, PENN STATE IS GOOD AT FOOTBALL AGAIN

IN SHORT, THEY’RE BAD AT TRUST FALLS; GOOD AT FOOTBALL

By Spencer Hall
Penn State is good at football and bad at trust falls

Good morning. Penn State is officially and volubly good at football again after winning the Big Ten Championship and putting Nittany Lion quarterback Trace McSorley’s godly trebuchet of an arm on display for the whole world to see. It’s a trebuchet-class arm because it’s at its best when aimed in long arcs, and can keep projectiles in the air for three seconds or more.

This sounds like an insult. Oh, oh it is not.

it makes a little booooooooo—oop noise right

Also Penn State people are jumping off of rented RVs in parking lots, so hype are they for their team, the season, and for a Rose Bowl berth. The first part does not make sense, but is laudable for demonstrating a real lust for life. The second part of that sentence makes all the sense in the world, because there are very few perfect stadiums and places in this world, and The Rose Bowl is one, and will come very close to bringing you to your knees when the light hits the San Gabriels just right in the afternoon.

We had to take our shoes off just to feel the grass. It’s where you go when you die, which is what Iowa did there last year because Kirk Ferentz is all about economy. It saves on metaphysical mileage, so even if Penn State loses to USC in similar fashion, they’ll be right where most of them would end up anyway in the afterlife. (For the record: we don’t think this is what will happen, because Penn State, while very bad at trust falls taken off RVs, is very good at football again.)