clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

GOOD MORNING, JOHN CALIPARI WON THE HEISMAN

New, 192 comments

HE HAS NEVER LOST AN AWARD OR RACE, EVER

Indiana v Kentucky Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

John Calipari is recruiting Lamar Jackson. The logistics? Never mind those, they’re complex, and involve somehow dissuading Jackson from entering the NFL Draft for a few years and skipping millions in guaranteed, once-in-a-generation wealth to play one year at QB for the University of Kentucky in the greatest reversal in college sports history.

He’ll do it, too. Lamar Jackson will transfer, and play backup point guard for the Wildcats. He will also play quarterback for the Kentucky football team, and enter both the 2018 NBA draft and the NFL draft as a first-round pick. Lamar Jackson will sign with an NBA team, because it does not involve scrambling his brain for a living and involves a guaranteed contract, and involves living a healthier, better, and longer life. You know who’ll make that possible? That’s right: John Calipari.

You won’t even be mad about it, Louisville fans. We can’t explain exactly how, because we are not John Calipari. If we were, we would be out convincing people to do our bidding with a smile and a confident exchange of white boy dappage. We’d wear tracksuits all the time in public and pull it off. We’d have Worldwide Wes on speed dial, and effortlessly slide into photos with recent award winners at nearly every public event of note. Look someone finally summited a remote Burmese peak, and...John Calipari is at the top to congratulate them!

He’ll tweet it, too, and hashtag it #BBN. You won’t even blink when he does. If you don’t have finesse, remember that it is a finite resource, and it hoarded by seven or eight finesse magnates at most. They control most of it, and occasionally sell it on the open market to those in need of it. Jeff Fisher is one, sure, but the greatest single baron of the world finesse market is the one who gets in the photo with his rival school’s Heisman quarterback and gets the #BBN hashtag in there.

Because he did that, you see that, right? In the middle of Louisville’s biggest athletics moment in years, John Calipari brought a can of spray paint and quietly worked in some Wildcat blue. He worked you into his game plan.

Oh, it’s your moment, Louisville, sure, it’s all yours.

All yours, but get a little closer in, we gotta fit in the frame. And you’re a big fella, Lamar, aren’t you? I mean, not huge, but at 6”3’ you’re say...point guard big, right? You know we don’t lift weights like football players, right? Heard you don’t like that, Lamar, and I don’t blame you. Football is a rough sport. Short careers! Not like in the NBA, where you can pick up rings as a bench player in your late thirties, and still sort of have your knees. Say, did you play basketball in high school, Lamar? No, I’m just asking. Curious, that’s all, I’m a coach, I’m always...curious.

Let’s smile for the camera. Say BBN! I’m kidding. Or not. It’s your night, Lamar. You choose. I’m just a guy who likes helping people.