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LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS DUDE WHO RANDOMLY STOLE A BUCKET OF GOLD

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IN 2016, THE MOST PERFECT CRIMES ARE ANALOG

A man swiped a bucket full of gold off a truck in New York today and walked away with it. We had to talk about it.

S: First of all I don’t live in New York so I have to ask: do you usually leave gold in buckets unattended on the street?

R: Unattended, no, but gold buckets are the most common way of paying rent because who the fuck uses checks in 2016? Honestly, I’m not even sure this is a crime, given that New York operates under the unspoken assumption that anything that is left

1. outdoors
2. not chained to something

is freely available to whoever takes it. There is one, and only one, deterrent we use to try and curb theft, and that deterrent is the constant thread of getting bedbugs.

What I’m saying is this man has $1.6 million with which to buy a new mattress.

S: Second, if that’s eighty-plus pounds? He can’t be more than 165. This man is hauling with half his bodyweight down the street at least. He works out. I need to know his plan. What celebrity workout he used. What supplements he took. How far he ran with it, and how I can get to this fitness pinnacle by following this easy, twice-daily workout that will only take up three and a half hours of my day. It was probably the American Sniper workout but I still need to know.

R: Alternatively, imagine when he woke up this morning and his lower back was just killlllling him. He’s wincing and groaning and his significant other is all “hey, what happened?” But he’s just “oh you know I, uh, sneezed funny while I was reaching for something on the top shelf at the grocery store. IT’S NOTHING DON’T LOOK IN THE HALL CLOSET.”

S: Third: how far did he take it? I bet he put it down and took a rest and no one even thought twice about it. Might have pulled up in a Duane Reade for some aspirin and a few bunion pads. If he took it on the subway—wait, he totally took it down to the subway, right?

R: You know he did. I saw a dude bring a door on the subway last week. A fucking door.

Does this bucket have the word “Gold” stamped on it? Because based on the video, this guy doesn’t open it to see what’s inside, and I certainly don’t walk by a paint bucket and think “ooo baby I bet that’s full of valuables and not paint.”

R: I have one final question. If you were in the exact same situation as this man, would you have grabbed that bucket and hauled ass?

S: Hell yes and twice on Saturdays. Not because it was wrong or right, but a lifetime of video games have conditioned me to grab gold coins as a reflex, not as a plan. This is also internet evidence that before I ever commited this crime, I was already detailing a personal affliction caused by overconsumption of digital entertainment, and thus could not be blamed for my actions. “The Sonic the Hedgehog Defense” is real. I will be taking it to its limits WHEN I COMMIT A CRIME I COULD NOT HAVE POSSIBLY NOT COMMITTED GIVEN MY UPBRINGING AND CONDITION.

R: Oh, an important update from the authorities.

S: Looks like Florida State just found their newest booster.